Overcome my eating disorder.

I’m not doing as well as I’m supposed to do. I’m struggling to find reasons to keep fighting. I’ve realized that I’ve stopped eating many foods and only eat the few that are “safe” over and over again, plus a lot of other distorted behaviours have come back. The fear of gaining and staying at a healthy weight stops all my attempts at trying to get better. I feel like I’ll go in circles like this forever. I have very little faith in myself that I’m strong enough to fight this eating disorder. It seems like I use up all my energy to be a likeable person and do well in school, and then let the eating disorder live its own life.

I never want to believe that an eating disorder is the only way for me again, because it is so not. It’s a mental disease, and the more I tell myself that the more I want to distance myself from it, because I never wanted to be a sick person.
I want to healthy and do my body good. I am going to keep on beating this and hopefully soon good times will come.

I’ve become a bit obsessed with this idea of starting on again when I’ve reached the weight I have to be and then won’t have anyone watching over me. It makes me sad and angry, and scared, but I can’t get rid of that voice. I do tell myself that I hate this disease, but why WHY do I keep embrace that disturbing anorexic voice and let it drown out my own?

I do have a lot of thoughts around wanting to go back to the eating disorder, but then I know that it’s completely irrational and wrong to think that way. What I really really want is to be happy with my body just like it is, and well, sometimes I feel okay about how I look. I’m trying to catch that thought and hold on to it, even though I don’t always believe it. There are still so many things to work with. I hope one day I can be eating disorder-free.

I’ve been in recovery for more than two months. I feel better about all this. I want to be recovered by Christmas… I think it’s possible.

Summer break is over, and today I had to go to school. I have not been around people my age since mid July, when I was diagnosed. It was hard to have people around me again. I wanted to get home where it is safe and quiet and familiar. Continue my reading or crossword. Nothing felt right today. I felt I had come wrong and didn’t belong there, at school. I don’t think I’m ready to go to school yet. It was like everything was screaming inside me “nooo, this is wrong”. I think recovery will be much harder and longer if I must go to school. I am not able to eat lunch alone yet, and it’s too hard to meet people’s looks, and hardest to meet old classmates and friends. I could feel the anxiety return the moment I joined the crowd of students. Right back to old days…
I don’t know how to make this if I can’t drop out. It’s hard enough as it is. I haven’t even started gaining, and I know it’ll be tough when the numbers start creeping upwards… I can’t stand the thought of my classmates watching me gain weight through this term. I know though that my parents and the recovery team want me to try. What am I to do?

I have been diagnosed with anorexia. I want to get well and love myself, but… I don’t see how I will ever be able to. I just want to creep into bed and never get up again. I am scared of gaining weight and hate myself even more. I am scared of what others will think of me. But I am also scared that I will ruin my life forever. Nothing is as it used to be. I know I have to change this path, but I just don’t think I have the courage and strength to make it.