live up to my own expectations

Funny how an impending birthday can propel one to go on the attack about all the goals etc. one has. Or not.

My main goal? Not make money without earning it. Earn it. Find something to do that you love and earn the rewards of that love (or the love itself). Trick question: What do you love?

My expectations of myself? Lowered. But I am trying to will something into being. A life, perhaps. So what I expect of myself is that I will will myself down the right path(s). What appears to be happening is that my standards are going up, but my will is not absolutely solid.

So, 39. The year where my will becomes a rolling stone.

I can’t remember the song, but I heard this yesterday: “I’m not half the man I’m supposed to be…” Which isn’t entirely true, because I’m about half again the weight I’m supposed to be. :P The question of the day is, what are my expectations, and how can I live up to them? I was thinking earlier that if I could, I’d stay home and watch the kids. Except I don’t have any kids. I think it’s all the retirees, students and layabouts I know, giving me examples of the freedoms they have. Never mind their relative impoverishment, except for the retirees, and never mind the end-of-life phenomenon. Because we could any of us be at the end of our life. What do we want of it? Also had dinner with an old friend, and gave her my pep talk full of prescriptions for planning beyond the immediate objective. Interesting, because I don’t feel like I have much of an objective. That’s what happens when you let someone else define your objective. Societally, I mean. Because we’re interdependent. Doesn’t make it easy to define your expectations, beyond the glass floor of having enough money to live and not fucking with other people. I have a wish list but none of the things on it can I buy or achieve. Isn’t that interesting? Meanwhile, I’m still taking pictures, still making mistakes doing that, among other things.

Trying to be positive. Trying to move myself in a direction I can respect. Trying to perform my duties in a responsible fashion. But I realized the other day that I don’t have the outlet or the energy to push my comfort boundaries. Which leaves me stuck in a nutshell. I can do more! I have to do more than try.