love

want love but im scared of it too.
i want to go back to that young girl who used to love like she never got hurt. i want to work on that.

have not put this on here on purpose for a while. but my brother and his fiance will be getting married next year probably in the earlier part of the year.

i think its going to be quite a surreal thing to experience my younger brother getting married before me. and in the beginning, when i knew he was going to propose and now knowing they will be intending to be marrying in the new year… it did take a while for me to kind of accept it or acknowlege it. dont get me wrong, i am very happy for them, but i always thought being 4 years older, i would have been married and settled down by now.

anyway i was never conventional, he always has been, so it only made sense that its working out this way. to be honest, as romantic as i am, and looking for my special person, im pretty sure that i would not go for a traditional big wedding, as that is definately not my style, and i want to do what i feel comfortable with and that is special to me in whatever way that takes shape but i guess it wont be down to me only. that is if i ever do get married. sometimes i wonder if i can ever get a guy to stick with me and love me in a longterm relationship let alone even consider marriage! my dating adventures, sure do leave me disheartened. but there is always hope, and i shall keep on, even if i only meet my soulmate when im 50 or something (i swear its gonna happen like that!)

anyway i am happy for them, and i think it will no doubt be a an amazing intimate and quirky wedding that will be enjoyed by all.

i dont think i will be a bridesmaid this time, as i havent been asked, and my bros fiance kind of knows i dont really enjoy it as she knows how i felt about it last year when i had to be one in my cousins wedding. ultimately on the day it was great, but all the stress of the dress fittings and all sorts of things just too much craziness for me and she will no doubt have her sister and 1/2 friends of hers being a bridesmaid, so i can breath easy on that one. phew! and i know my bro has chosen his 2 groomsmen, so im pretty sure, i dont have to worry bout that.

so yeah thats going to be the romantic highlight of 2014. in sunny south africa.

is like a romantic comedy… minus the romance and i laugh at my own jokes! yep!

is what i know for sure…

i prefer older men. all my failed shorter relationships have been with guys my age or slightly younger… all my happiest longest relationships that have survived years have been with older men. age gaps ranging from 8 years to 19 years (shocker) but now i dont want too old. i want just the right age gap… this is not set in stone, but im going on history here.

anyway. i dont think this will come about anytime soon… but jsut putting it out there

ive forgotton how it feels to be in love. and i fear i may not feel it for a very long time. i interact with guys but i know im not interested in any of em. theres no one really thats got my interest. reading other peoples stories on here, of what they go through, is sweet and reminds me of how i used to feel and excited about love and romance.

brother proposed to his gf on christmas morning. she said yes :)

younger brother emailed me yesterday to let me know that he is proposing to his gf on xmas when they will be opening their presents. whilst i am happy for him as they have been together for 5 years or so, it also makes me sad cos i have no one.

being the eldest by 4 years, i always thought i would be first to get married. nowadays i dont think i will ever get married, and that is ok. its not my ideal but this is life.

he has said they will prob have a long engagement tho. so i hopefully wont have to be consumed by wedding stress for a while i hope. its bitter sweet for me, but happy for them.

is the enemy of love. take your time.

just thinking about my algerian crush. his name is nabil.
i still think hes cute.

but i wont do anything about it. just letting it be.if anything is meant to happen with it, it will happen. if not so be it.

this song…

dont stop believin – journey