make peace with my father

My father passed away on Thursday after being in a coma for 6 days (he had a serious accident and head injury). I told him what I needed to say and made peace with him. I believe that he heard everything I had to say and that he’s with the Lord now, waiting for me to get there. We are right with each other now.

My dad was an awesome father to me and my sister when we were young but he turned out to be a not-so-great husband and left my mother for another woman three years ago (he had been cheating on her for a year and a half). We have not seen him since. He has made contact with my sister and I on Christmas and our birthdays consistently, but that’s pretty much it.

My dad wants us to “accept” that he deserves to be happy, but it’s made me sad that he feels its ok to be happy at the expense of my mother, my sister, and myself. He drug my mother through a nasty divorce (they were married 27 years and were childhood sweethearts) and tried to get out of his financial responsibilities to my sister and my mother, who was a stay-at-home mom while he climbed the corporate ladder.

For the most part I have forgiven him and let him go (it was strange getting married and not having him there, but it was the right thing for everyone), but I realize that one day I will have to face him (my sister’s college graduation is coming up in May and he will probably try to be there). He is very unpredictable and for lack of a better term – a liar. He got remarried to his mistress in November and did not (and still has not) bother to tell me or my sister. My sister is younger than me and has borne the brunt of emotional wear and tear because she got four less years with him than I did.

Right now he and I are at an impass. The conversations we have are the same every time. He insists that I’m being stubborn and just need to move on with my life and I remind him that he lied to us all and then abandoned ship - not just on my mom but on his daughters. He refuses to take responsibility for what he’s done and yet expects us to treat him with respect and obedience because he’s “our father and will always be” - all without the courtesy of a sincere apology. I do not see myself ever having a relationship with him again but I want to be able to face him. I guess that’s not really making peace, but it’s all I can hope for at this point. It’s all just a mess. Sometimes I wonder who that man was all those years…did I ever really know him? Did any of us?