Be myself

Going to a party tonight, and I will make a point of leaving my husband’s side and going to talk to people by myself. I will also not be afraid to use Japanese where appropriate, instead of sitting there thinking my Japanese isn’t good enough, or conversely that other people think I’m showing off if I speak Japanese.

I walked past where we are having our wedding last night, and realised that I am going to feel very self conscious getting married in the park and then walking to our reception. It’s a very busy area, and lots of people will be staring. Rather than wishing that they’d all go away, I want to be able to revel in it and love the attention. I will feel self conscious just among our guests, let alone strangers! So I need to work on it. Not sure how exactly, but starting with the head up and making eye contact thing again.

I was at a party the other night, and on the way home realised how much more relaxed I was than I used to be around that group, and that I’m more prepared to go and talk to people who intimidate me. The funny thing was that when we got home my fiance said he had noticed the same thing and was proud of me, and it wasn’t something we’d discussed recently!

My big challenge will be New Year’s this year. Will be at a party with a lot of cool people, so I will have to work hard at just being myself and not assuming what other people are thinking about me. Admittedly I will have a lot of help in the form of alcohol etc, but I will still have to be strong/relax.

I haven’t been working too much on this. One thing I’m making a point to do is keep my head up when I’m walking. Some days are better than others. Now I also need to relax and say hi when I happen to make eye contact, instead of instantly looking away. Part of the reason I do this is knowing some foreigners hate it when other foreigners acknowledge them. But who cares what they think.

So, my specific 3 goals are to say hi to people I make eye contact with, speak Japanese loudly and confidently in shops etc, and make eye contact with people I talk to.

My best friend just left Japan, which will be good for me and this goal as I’m going to have to go out and meet new people without her there to rely on.

I have such a terrible fear of rejection, and I cannot relax around anyone, even my best friends and family. I even find myself hiding from my boyfriend. It is like there are two mes, the real one and the one I project to the world. I am so worried about what people think, and just withdraw rather than say the ‘wrong’ thing. Logically I know that I am a great, likeable person, and that I’m not going to be best friends with everyone in the world. But when it comes to interacting with people I just get nervous and screw up. So I need to have more faith in myself and get out there and share myself with the world.