It has become apparent to me in recent weeks that my guilt is really the biggest problem I have. I struggle with it all the time. It makes me indecisive, anxious, doubtful, unfulfilled, discontent, etc. All of these maladies, I believe, stem from the guilt that I feel daily about even the smallest things. Nietzsche referred to guilt as “Godlike” but I’m not so sure. I don’t think that God second-guesses everything He has done and then wonders until He is SICK if it was the right thing.
I feel that if I could overcome my inherent need to feel guilty about EVERYTHING that I could somehow be freer. Freer to follow my goals. Freer to let go of the circumstances that are my life right now. Freer to be spontaneous and live. But, I can’t seem to do that. No matter how hard I try to NOT feel guilty, I do anyway. Guilt, guilt, guilt. My days are plagued.
“How tedious is a guilty conscience!” John Webster said, and it is true. Tedious and tiring too. But, I’ve not committed a crime. There is nothing formidable that I have to be guilty about; just everyday life. I beat myself up with the small things, the tiny things said or done or, more often, the tiny opportunities not taken.
Perhaps I don’t know what I’m guilty about. Or perhaps, I’m plagued with equal amounts of guilt and regret. I don’t know. I do know, however, that I have to let go of something in order to live more fully.
