has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular
demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of
boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
~~~~~
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This
one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly .
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole!
