live life with laughter, love and an easy smile

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I’d been ‘computering’,
And I had to answer “yes.”

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up…
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick…
I was just admiring my work…
I didn’t mean to ‘click.’

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into…
I was into it all night. Sigh!

Nothing’s changed except my mouse
It’s very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess…
While I sit here on my hiney.

Doug Horton

Billie Burke, actress 1930’s

I’m glad I didn’t finish my teachers degree.

a trip to Denver with my best friend, three days of no sleep, good food and a bit more alcohol than I needed. What a trip! So, on the way home, I was driving and I was so tired that my friend was reading to me to keep me awake and what she was reading struck me funny, so funny that I had to pull over for about 20 minutes I was laughing and crying so hard I could see. I was hystical. To this day, it can still get me laughing to think about that trip.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me” .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called ” Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

once or twice.

to smile…

even if it hurts.

We all get heavier as we get older
because there’s a lot more information
in our heads. So I’m not fat,
I’m just really intelligent
and my head couldn’t hold any more
so it started filling up the rest of me!