I’ve noticed that feeling guilty is not a constant. It just kinda rears its ugly head sometimes. Then I can’t shake the feeling. And.. it doesn’t always seem to be related to just one thing. The real problem is that I don’t want to make mistakes. Because when I mess up in some way I feel guilty. Nobody is perfect. That’s a fact. And we never learn unless we put ourselves out into the world and mess up a few thousand times. I just hate knowing that I could do something wrong. But it happens. Life goes on, the world keeps spinning, people go on living, and I feel guilty. Granted, I’m sure I learn from my mistakes quite quickly because I have so much pressure on myself. But still I carry around this remorse and mild self loathing from merely making an innocent enough mistake. That doesn’t seem right and yet my stomach still claims its guilt. hmmmmm… well I’m working on it anyway.
mublemind has written 5 entries about this goal
The strange thing is that no matter how badly you feel or how guilty at any given moment, time will go on like nothing’s happened. Whatever feeling we have are just momentary sensations, that in the end will be forgotten and lost in the mass of things people experience everyday. u know there’s heat detectors that show the various degrees of hot and cold areas on a map. I wonder what it would be like to see an emotional detector that shows how people feel at any given moment. If such a thing could actually be done, it might be interesting to see. I guess the real goal is to find whatever meaning we can in the things we feel, acknowledge them for just that, and then let them go, and move on. I wish it was so simple, to just let them go. A friend of mine told me to throw them all into an imaginary box and then lock the box and mentally throw it into the ocean or a volcano or whatnot. Maybe that would help.
..this is not working. maybe I’m dreaming the impossible dream because the feeling comes and goes. occasionally my life is worth fighting for and then a second later it’s not. i’m left with a sick stomach and nothing to motivate me to get up tomorrow. It passes and eventually I move on to whatever’s next but I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that feeling entirely. maybe it is just impossible. What’s the point anyway? if nobody’s perfect and everyone will get hurt eventually, how do I know when to care? or more importantly when not to? What do we strive for? Who’s got the definition of good? good is subjective. so what is a good person? ...... ug. my brain hurts.
I really don’t understand why this is so difficult. I’m constantly trying to justify my own existence. I never feel good enough to just BE. People are all human despite any differences in appearance and “social status” we’re all people with the right to life so why do I have such a guilty stomach? I don’t know!
Life is too short to spend worrying about what has happened in the past and feeling guilty about mistakes I’ve made. Last week I saw a guy who had a t-shirt that said something to the degree of “No matter what happens today tomorrow is always a blank slate” So from now on I’m going to forgive myself for the honest mistakes I make in life and Move On, cause tomorrow is a new day!
