be a better person

after you’ve done something wrong, it doesn’t help when someone keeps reminding you of your mistake againandagainandagain.

ouch

...to myself

better now..

the person is finally talking to me. even though i feel some-what relieved….. i still know that if i don’t think before i talk, at the end of the day, i don’t think i even want to talk to myself.

i do hurt people in the process…

and in return,
it hurts so badly. especially when they find it hard to forgive you (even though the person says “it’s fine, i’m not angry”), especially when you’ve said ‘sorry’ about ten times and truthfully mean everyone one of them…..

is it better to pretend it didn’t happen, and take it like what the person said, “it’s fine…”? no, coz things arent okay.

it’s hard to even begin forgiving yourself for your faults, mistakes and failures when the person doesn’t even want to talk properly to you or let alone look at you.

do you think that there are people in this world who make more mistakes than others? i do…

but just try convincing the others that we’re slightly more messed up than them. and we know we’ve messed things up, too.

sometimes things just come out.. with thinking first..
i don’t say anything mean or anything… and i know i don’t hurt anybody in the process. but i want to be more attentive towards what i say.. or, more precisely what i think.

the only way to know this is to have the people closest to you comment on you…
i went to this outdoor camp a year ago and at the end we had this activity called “the hot seat”. we just had to comment on each other.. well, there were somethings i didn’t like about myself and it just took someone else to tell me to make me realize what that was.. so i went back to the camp again just recently.. and well, i did change. i had a year to think about who i really wanted to be as a person.. and changed. :)
everyone needs time.. just don’t rush it.

i’m still going to keep this goal, though.. i have too much fun changing for the better :)

some ppl dont like the following parts of me:
outspoken.
and when i am outspoken, some ppl mistaken me for being:
bossy.
and when ppl mistaken me for being bossy, some ppl say i’m:
a person who worries too much/ a person who needs to ‘relax’.

i dont try or want to be bossy. in fact, i hate being called bossy… i’m just outspoken coz i care about the ppl around me and i dont want them to get hurt or anything.

so this is what i’ve done:
i think i’m still outspoken as ever lol.. but i try to choose my words carefully, but still mean the exact same thing. and it’s working! (it is weird, though… when i DO do that, it is my friends who start being bossy and start worrying. sigh, it’s an upside down world.) the thing about being outspoken, is that i’ve got to choose my words carefully and whatever i say or DON’T say, it comes down to my friends’ own choices and decisions that they make in their lifes, not mine.

so now, i can say, that i am a better person in a few things… but i still want to be a better person in a few other things. one step at a time is the key :)