live in the moment

when i was younger, i developed quite elaborate fantasies in my head of alternate lives for myself. and in each one, i was always the beautiful, wise, witty heroine who could do anything. i would retreat into my mind, into these fantasies, in order to avoid reality. these were my coping mechanism to handle life. as i got older, i fantasized less and less. ordinarily, this would probably be a good thing. however, in my case, without that coping mechanism, i unconsciously turned to others. this coincided with the dark years of my life. i OD’d on drugs, cut myself, occupied my mind with suicidal ideation- in fact, ended up committed to an emergency psychiatric ward.
now that those years are over, and i’ve begun to focus more on religion and spirituality, which i adopted as a result of a teacher’s help in turning my life around, i’ve finally gotten through the worst of it all. yet now, im back again where i’ve started, with no coping mechanisms. and this time around, im committed to being mindful, to paying attention to life and valuing it. but i’ve slipped back into my old habit of fantasizing. and i just don’t know what to do. i want to be mindful of my life. but i don’t want to get rid of this coping mechanism, and end up committed again. i’m at a loss.

this one is hard… im an introvert- so i’ve always thought a lot. when i went through my suicidal stage, my obsessive-thinking was out of control. it’s slightly better now; i’m not obsessively thinking about heavy things. but i’ve been thinking a lot about the past lately, about the life i’ve just left behind. my thought processess come back to the same few points over and over again. and then i start to fantasize about the future, about what could’ve been. i think it will be a while before i’m able to immediately catch myself on these lapses.