Balance

I will not dwell on flaws. This never does anything for me.

I play online poker. It is my place of zen.

Sometimes I make stupid mistakes, and, unlike in my real life, I move past them with a deep breath. When I do something right, I feel good about it, and allow myself to feel acomplished.

My rule is, “Don’t be stupid.” I think about every hand, and if I make several stupid mistakes in a row, instead of beating myself up, I catch myself on the fact that I have stopped thinking, and my actions have become autonomous.

I am trying to learn to be considerate of others, to wait my turn to speak, and to think about my words before I say them, but if I slip and say something I might regret, I will know that it is really for the same reason.

Anything that has been lost through blunders can be regained through thought. Regret may even be remedied by experience and time.

I enjoy life as poker. I assume this sounds silly. :)

One of the big issues of mine is how self conscious I am. My mom used to accuse me of being a narcissist – I’d get upset because I’d said something stupid at a party, or I wasn’t looking my best.

She’d say, “Stop having delusions of grandeur. Nobody was paying that much attention to you!“

She didn’t mean it in a bad way – just the fact that, nobody hangs on to every little word that everyone says, and nobody takes so much notice of others that they give a damned if a hair is out of place.

I have to learn to let go of my insecurities – to remember that when the rest of the world goes to sleep at night, they are not thinking about how my clothes fit, or whether or not I talk too fast. Before I can balance; before I can improve, I have to fully accept everything about myself. I mean, do I sound like a self help book, or what? That doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I need to breathe. And I need to remember that I’m fine. I’d like me, if I weren’t me, even if I would get on my nerves sometimes.

I talk too much, too fast, and too loud – or – I say nothing.

I sleep during the day – and – stay awake all night

I am always either too obsessed with detail – or – much too careless.

I am so like a coin – which is, in a way, balanced. Everything has two distinctive sides. Now, if only I could balance that coin on it’s edge, to draw from both sides at once, and create something serene.

I will meditate on this.