Post random thoughts, observations, and events of the day...

I accidentally hit “I’ve done this” on this goal, and there’s no way to fix it. Now it will get pushed to the bottom of a list any time I don’t update, plus it just changes things from the way I was doing them… and I am (admitedly) nutty about keeping certain things a certain way, so this really bothers me in a significant, more-than-is-probably-healthy way.

I hope I don’t forget to keep up with the people who post here. :’(

Yesterday I went to see a performance A Midsummer Night’s Dream that was just amazing! A long time ago, I had tried to familiarize myself with all of Shakespeare’s plays, but never could get through the ones I wasn’t forced through in high school. How embarrassingly unsophisticated I felt! But these performers actually managed to pull off something extraordinary – and I realized that a lot of performances of Shakespeare’s plays are stuffy, as if the actors are afraid to put themselves into it. Is this because of the language? Or a fear of toying with something so classic?

Anyway, this performance was really wonderful, and the guy that played Puck! Oh, he was perfect!

A nice day with friends was followed by a pleasant day of rest with my very most beloved person in the world, my D. It felt quite healing.

Everybody has gone home… I am so relieved.

Yes, I love my family. But they drive me completely insane. This is normal, yes?

I’m so freaked out tonight; full of mixed emotions. I miss the people who were driving me up the wall… but I also haven’t come down from the wall yet.

Something reminded me of my mom today, and I had to compose myself because I was among friends. It was hard… it’s always hard. What if people really did just turn into spirits when they died, but just kept staying here and hanging out with the rest of us, so we didn’t have to miss them? I guess they each have something much better to do.

my sister is significantly stronger than me. This puts down all my theories that maybe I’m kind of strong for a girl. I’m still a pretty fast runner though.

My sisters, obviously, have been visiting. A great deal of this visit has been drama and fighting; waiting and impatience. A bit of it has been talking and fun. Like most people, I love my sisters one on one, but don’t deal very well with them in a group.

Yesterday we visited with a friend who’s girlfriend has horses and ponies, and we got to take them out for some rides. We went back to his house where some more friends came over for dinner and cocktails. It’s a big city, and he’s on the other side of it from me, so we all crashed there for the night.

I didn’t see D again until tonight, and although it is healthy for us to have space from eachother, I’m not used to it, and I missed him. I don’t know if it’s funny or weird or what that I miss him when I stay one night at a friend’s house, but somehow I’m glad I do.

I must first apologize, because I am in kind of a rotton mood… and people are bugging me.

First of all, I don’t like it when someone asks me to take on a graphics project, but withholds the information I need to do it until the last minute… and then expects me to be able to get it done anyway.

Then, I don’t like it when someone asks me to do “just this one, small thing” when what they really mean is, “just these twenty small things, and a big thing”. I know that “they” are just trying to put me at ease when “they” approach me with a project.

Finding out they were lying about that does not put me at ease. Also, describing something as tiny ensures that I will say, “Eh, you don’t have to pay me for a tiny thing.”

Then “people” go and send me hours of work? For this “tiny” thing? Arrrrgh, it really puts my panties in a knot.

WARNING: PANTIES HAVE REACHED FULL KNOT CAPACITY.

Luckily I am going out with a friend tomorrow to look at wedding gowns, and afterwards, a party! Yay, party!

Today the AC was out for the third day in a row (boo). But because of that, we decided it sucked to stay home, and went out for dinner and a movie (yay). But something I ate made me sick, and by the time I got home I was all, “argh, my insides asplode!” (boo). And then, the windows had been open all day to air out the house, and evil allergens came in and deprived me of the use of my eyes and lungs (boo, and double boo). Fortunately, D was there to hand me pills and eyedrops, and now I feel mostly better (yay)!

So, in the end, I think it all evened out to another 5.

On the more serious side of life (sorry about the impending depressingness) every time I have a good day, I still go to bed at night with the reminder that my mom is gone, because I can’t call her to tell her about my good day… and then all my good days turn to just mediocre days. Will this go on forever?

She was my best friend.

In my karate class, there are two young men who are autistic. I will call them John and Dan, although these are not their real names.

John has been there since I began the classes. In fact, he is a higher belt than me. He seems to enjoy himself in class, depite being very prone to pretty much doing his own thing. He has his own world and pretty much keeps to himself, although on some very lucky days (and bye lucky, I mean that we are the lucky ones) he comes in and says “hi” to each and every one of us in the room, one at a time.

The very endearing thing about John is how, when we are doing our warm-ups, or some exercise or another, he constantly reminds himself that he is doing a very good job. When we do push-ups, for instance, he counts like this: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, thirty.” And then he says to himself, “Good! Good! That was very good.”

I think, some parent or teacher, or both, must be encouraging him often.

Dan is different from John. When he first began taking classes, he was silent and confused. He also has a hard time sitting still and is very quiet, but these days, he seems to want to interact with others a little more often. Like, the other day, D and I were practicing our forms together, and I noticed that Dan was watching us, and eventually he joined us – starting when we started, getting a little mixed up somewhere along the way, but finishing nonetheless. Unless we got confused and started over. Then he would stop and start over with us.

That same day, we did an exercise where several of us got in a circle around one person, with these big pads we use to kick and punch. We each had a number, and when we one number was called out, the person whose number it was would advance toward the person in the middle, and the person in the middle had to stop them with an attack. It was to develope our reflexes.

Dan was in my group, and he enjoyed this activity so much, he had the rest of us in stitches with his charming and contageous laughter. Every time his number was called, he would advance upon the person in the middle, laughing all the way. At one point, our group stopped to calm everyone down, and taught him how to be sneaky, and surprise the middle person, which he did very well.

This is one of the things I love about this class; Learning to work together with all kinds of people; growing, and then seeing others grow as well. I am also glad to see that this seems to be such a wonderful place for John and Dan to learn and interact with others, as I know it must be difficult for them to do.

I do not like religeon, but I believe in God. I do not like to have conversations with people about my beliefs, because it seems that nobody ever asks unless they are looking to argue against religeon, so if I say, “Yes, I believe in God,” they are ready to attack me, and call me an unintelligent, intolerant bigot. There’s really nothing I can say to defend myself, because these people have already made up their minds.

I say nothing, and I find that I am part of this wink-wink nudge-nudge communication system with people who hate anything having to do with God, especially the Judeo-Christian god, and they think they know I’m part of their cause. Whatever that cause may be.

And I think, isn’t it possible to see a universal presence in the world and not be ferociously insane? Because I rather feel like I do just that… and I do not think that I am lacking in my mental capacity.

To me god is…

A creator, an artist, a scientist, a philosopher. And the part everyone seems to hate, a savior. But… I don’t think any of us know as much about this god spirit as we think we do. I don’t think we have the whole story.

My sister, who is bi, generally calls herself a lesbian when it comes up in conversation, just to make it easier on herself. It seems that straight people’s general reaction to bisexuality is that it is something gay people made up to seem even more special. Isn’t that just crazy?

I was thinking about it today, for no particular reason, when it occured to me that it was much easier to adjust to her “life choices” than it was for me to adjust to other people’s reactions to my acceptance of her. (As if I would need an adjustment period to HER life) I actually had a “friend” try to convince me to disown her several years ago. WTF?

Why I’m suddenly remembering it now, after all this time, I really don’t know. I guess family has just been on my mind a lot lately.

So, to the point I was making: Why are people so stupid?

And the second point: I sure am grateful for my family.

I just got a copy of my mom’s death certificate in the mail. I need it to wrap up some financial business, but I am afraid to open it right now.