get my driver's license

Recently, I was very upset at what a crappy driver I am…

Then today, it suddenly hit me: I’m a crappy driver! Just a few months ago, I was a non-driver, and now I’m a crappy driver!

Crappy is an improvement from non!!!!

Granted, I don’t want to keep being a crappy driver, but for now it’s actually very exciting. Twice, I drove home from the parking lot that I practice in. Yippee!! That’s the same as being awesome!

Okay, it wasn’t all impressive when I was driving around the parking lot. I just couldn’t make this one sharp right turn without either overshooting, or driving over the curb. First it was freaking me out, then it was just pissing me off! I finally got completely fed up and told D, “I can’t make this turn. I suck at driving! Why am I even doing this?”

He “walked” me through the turn. He told me to think of just keeping the left front wheel within the line in the middle of the road, and imagine the arc that allows that wheel to make the turn. I did it very slowly, but it wasn’t bad! After about a half an hour of driving, pretty much in circles, I decided I was mentally exhaused, and it was time to go home.

“You want to drive home?” D asked.

“Sure!”

A year ago, I would have said sure, but as soon as I drove up to the street, I would have freaked out too much, and we would have had to switch off. This time, I actually drove home. The drive wasn’t any longer than a minute, but I did drive on the street! I feel awesome. :)

I did the driving I said I was going to do. Going to do it again tomorrow.

I did well. Not so much in the sense that I actually did a good job driving – Oh no, I am still a terrible driver – but I didn’t die or kill anyone, and I didn’t drive over a curb, or have a panic attack and cry like a little girl. Those are all healthy, positive things, and, I think, good reasons to consider today’s lesson a success.

Baby steps!

Probably just around a parking lot, although I think around the nieghborhood would be good, too.

It will be the first time I’ve driven since I started my therapy (not since I visited the therapist, but since I actually started the trauma therapy) so I feel fairly confident.

...Well, here I go…

TWICE! In one week!

And one time, there was a car, and it was coming one one way down the street, and I was going the other way, and it passed me, and I kept driving, and drove past the car, and didn’t hit it or anything.

I pretty much rock.

So, recently my husband said to me, “I think I’m ready…. to try to teach you how to drive again.”

It had been a problem, because while we work well in so many other ways, he gets extremely frustrated when trying to teach me something. We just don’t speak the same language when it comes to learning new things. Double that frustration and add some frayed nerves when it comes to me sitting behind the wheel!

He made a big promise to me that he would not yell, scold me, or say anything negitive while I was driving this time, because those things make me so incredibly nervous. True to his word, he was very encouraging as I spent nearly an hour circling an empty parking lot. When I made a mistake, he very calmly explained to me how to correct that mistake. When I lost control a bit, he allowed me to regain control without saying a word. This had to have taken so much self control on his part, and I just really appreciated it!

After letting me get used to driving for as long as I felt comfortable, he took over and drove all the same paths I just had, so that I could get a good feel of what it felt like to make the turns smoothly, and watch how it’s done by a pro. It was a really good experience. :)

I’m looking forward to more lessons like this in the future.

My husband has promised to take me driving tomorrow!
I’m feeling very confident! :)

Since I finished my lessons, and am still a crappy driver, I’m still terrified of the road. D tried helping me overcome my fears, but he gets frustrated when I drive slowly, and his frustration just makes me even more nervous. I freeze up.

I finally emailed a good friend of mine and asked if he could intervene. D didn’t mind at all, but he though I didn’t want him helping me anymore. No, I just need someone else for a little while.

My friend came over, and we drove around for a little over a half hour – just around the nieghborhood. I really did ok. He helped me a lot with my turning, and kept saying “Just pretend you’re drawing a line, only you’re doing it with the car instead of a pencil, and the road is your paper. Then, when I got nervous, and tightly squashed on the breaks, or turned my knuckles white on the wheel, he’d correct me and say, “Remember, you’re drawing a light line, not a heavy one.”

When I took turns, he’d remind me, “You need to make a nice, clean arc,” and I did.

At one point I freaked out, because I made a mistake, and he stopped the car, talked for a second about something completely off subject, and then told me everything was ok, and it was time to start driving again.

We’re not sure when we’ll be able to get together again, but this lesson turned out very well, and hopeully there will be more like it. In the mean time, I think it will help D and I while I try to learn some more with him.

Last night, D walks up to me, puts his arms around me and says, “I’ve made a decision.”

Uh oh, I’m thinking, sounds like he’s up to no good,

“From now on,” he continues, “If you don’t jump, I’m going to shove you.”

“Okay…” I can see he detects the question mark above my head.

“You’re driving.”

“What!?”

“You’re driving. Right now. Here are the keys.”

“No! No no no no no… What if I say no?”

“Then I’m going out to eat without you.”

“Dammit… not fair!”

So, I drove. First to food, then to walmart, then all the way back home. I’d like to say it was a cake walk, but the truth is we argued the whole way, and once I missed a stop, made up for it with a dangerously sharp turn, and came to a grinding halt in the middle of the road. Luckily, traffic was sparse.

When that was over, and I was still alive, we made our apologies – me for almost killing us, and him for getting angry about me almost killing us. I warned him that it’s going to be this way for a little while, but “I’m doing the best I can, and I promise to start taking directions better.”

But still, I drove! And I can drive more – I’m not bad, just exceedingly nervous.

So, I was supposed to practice driving this morning, and I got so worked up about it, that I stayed up all night worrying. By the time I finally fell asleep, it was morning, and when D tried to wake me up, I rolled over and told him to go away.

I have to drive!