be a patient mother

this get any easier?? Am i burnedout?? I don’t think any amount of medication will make this job easier…..... GOD help me before i get packed off to the HA HA Hilton…..

I am sitting here wanting to crawl in a corner and just hibernate there til i can summon all of the patience i used to have. I have really disappointed myself. My kids are kids, they are going to push buttons and they are gonna do things because they are kids and that is what they do. I am supposed to be the grown up here not the tempermental idiot or a child. The lack of sleep and anxiety/panic attacks are not easing up and i know that is part of it but i still don’t think that is excuseable. I think i could use all the prayers i can get, it seems all the praying i am doing is falling on deaf ears right now, maybe because i am not helping myself??? who knows , i really wish Christmas was not here right now, too materialistic beyond my family. My kids are great but i still feel bad that they will not be getting gifts from mom and dad but santa will make a stop. We are trying to make a trip to FLorida this summer for a wedding. ok enough blubbering…...sighs…..

this when i waslooking thru some old files, i think this is just about what i need to read when things get hard!!

I am so in awe of this moment. My oldest son comes up and says to me….i wanna give the baby a hug and he proceeds to give my belly a nice hug and lifts the shirt up a tad and kisses the belly and says…I reeeeeeeeallllly looooooove you and in response the baby kicks!! The pure joy and the way my son’s eyes lit up was priceless….granted he is only 4 but i think he understood in that moment what i always feel for all ofmy kids….the wonderment of how these little people have so much unconditional love to give . Of course the little brother had to get in on the act too…he had to give the belly a ton of kisses!!!

I need to remember these moments when things get really overwhelming and frustrating, so i can gather the strength to go on. This is what life is about, these kids, everything we do is for our family regardless of our wants.

is just me trying reeeeeally hard too maintain my temper and my tounge…..Two of my children have just pushed me beyond what i can take and i think it is mostly because at their ages they KNOW better how to treat one another and how they should know what I expect of them and yes i do realize they are children but they know how to read and they know what chores and behavior is acceptable and they just make this soooo difficult because then the 4th and 5th child think it is alright to act the same way and to hit and hurt eachother which is NOT ok!! I’m so at my breaking point and just in tears, i feel reeeeeally angry with dh too because i just feel like i don’t get a break or feel very supported but maybe i am just being awfully emotional on that part. I am at a total loss as to what i am to do to turn this around. I either want to take the two older ones and smash their heads together like my dad did whenever we fought or i want to just run as far away asi can…...i need a break and i can’t get one and that i think is what is totally doing mein…......

the sleep deprivation or the daily pain i go thru. I have been just crazy lately, no patience whatsoever….i am constantly apologizing to my children for not having any patience. I wonder if it just is that i need some time away? not sure but i think i am kinda frustrated with dh, he gets his weekends but he does take 4 of the 6 kids so i really shouldn’t say boo about that! i dunno what funk i am in as of late, just am thinking i wanna run so fast outa this place so i can go back to being my own self, i used to be somewhat laid back, now i am so wound tight that my teeth are cracking from clenching so hard!!
oh well life goes on somehow!!

today….i have absolutely no patience today…i hate that i am so high strung when things are not getting done and i hate that clutter makes me feel so out of control that i just want to run away screaming or throw everything away just to get it out of our house…..