To live instead of exist

goal is really hard, but life is hard. Nothing has ever come easy for me and you know that is supposed to build character i guess, but to be honest i dont think i need any more character. I am so doggoned tired emotionaly that i can’t even begin to think of a day that it will just be more manageable. I used to have it all together but it will come i guess. I am feeling right now so overwhelmed with everything especially with going to therapy…. ohwell life can’t get worse i mean i have alot to be greatful for and i am…..

time since i have been on this site.
I have been on medication for almost a few weeks i notice i am even more tired (and i thought i couldn’t get anymore tired than i was)! I also notice the extreme swing of moods are almost gone. I still fear, i still get frustrated and i still feel anger but mostly the fear is there. Fear, i am realizing will take a long time to get rid of that, i have lived my whole life in fear and i just don’t think it is something that i can change overnight especially since it just kinda hit me a week or so ago that just about everything i do is based on that fear. DUMB huh??

is very hard to do after so many years of just barely surviving the minute let alone the day. I am not sure that reliving the past helps much , it isnt that i feel i am dwelling on things but perhaps trying to learn some things and how and why i amthe way i am or the choices i make even when i don’t realize the choices i ammaking and the consequences that follow. I do get these intense and sudden moments of clarity and they are quite frightening sometimes because they are my truths and sometimes those truths hurt like hell. I have let alot of things go that i have thought i had enjoyed or have kept me grounded and in a way i feel i have lost so much of myself in doing that. Everyday is a blur and i feel just so bad because my kids are growing up so fast that i just want to stop the time and somehow record the moment so i can hold on to it and never lose it. My questions about how to live instead of exist are almost impossible to answer at least in my mind. How? when? Where? those things are scary to ask let alone think of them too. I used to think i would not live past the age of 25 but something inside of me always felt i had something to offer the world or at least to someone. I always felt there was a reason for my being here and somehow i would always find the answer…....

I am accomplishing this goal. I recieved an email a few days ago..altho good (i thought) it also got me thinking that maybe i am using my depression as a crutch, but then i am not sure if that is even possible. I am exhausted 99% of the time and just feel so out of place and alone altho i have people who love and care for me but i just don’t feel it or maybe it hurts too much to feel it…...hmmm i need to turn off my brain or something. It seems it is just so much more lighter to live and so much more draining to just exist. I think or haVe been told that it is a choice, well…if it is achoice then why do i go thru these god awful periods of just despair and hopelessness?