express my feelings & thoughts better

so i just got into an argument with someone i’ve been talking to online, but for a while i haven’t, which really hurt him. now he probably won’t talk to me. it’s different when the person is here or has a phone or you both are online a lot, but we 2 are neither, so nothing can really happen. i’ve been avoiding my computer like a plague almost, thus he feels hurt and thinks i hate him. i’ve lost my compassion and patience to talk and explain. i’ve lost my motivation for understanding. i’d hate for this to leak into my current relationship.

i tried to say something about relationships and how modern american society has put an unnecessary weight of importance around it, but the conversation went no where. some people just aren’t up to it. doesn’t help that i’m in a relationship myself. hmmm….. life shouldn’t be all about getting the perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect house. enjoy what you have, and yes strive if you really think it’ll help you as a person. be pretty because you like to be pretty. learn a language because you like conversation. i could strike up so many conversations with many people. i only fear that i won’t remember enough about what either party says for people to think i’m worthy of conversing with…... down the rabbit hole i go.

I had this weird realization that i just crave respect. It gets me excited, gets my heart pumping, when i get to thinking about other people earning respect, and developing my own persona to the point that others respect me and don’t/can’t run me through.
I was reading, yesterday at Borders, a bit of “The Four Agreements”,
#2 Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
This was so inspirational and so true, I almost started to cry right there.
Then in a second book, “Musicophilia” by Oliver Sacks, he talks about a doctor suddenly turned musician by a striking of lightning. This one phrase, ”...he had some ‘unorthodox’ beliefs, too, such as reincarnation”. This just got me thinking, if I can stay attached/faithful to the idea of reincarnation around people that don’tt believe it, and can argue and understand both views, why can’t I extend that “immunity” to the other ideas that I have about myself. My likes, dislikes, preferences, beliefs, disbeliefs; if I can keep true to myself, yet still broaden my understanding! of all ideas, i would be much happier. Keep what I like, discard what I don’t, and stop striving to please everyone, because even the Buddha Sakyamuni had enemies.
I just wish i had my journal with me at that moment, to better notate such minor enlightenments. And more money, because I am noticing a lot of other books I want to read.