Be independently happy

sorry for not posting/not logging in/not sending cheers but i kind of forgot of 43. well, getting back at it:
1. I am an atheist. hope that clears stuff out.
2. I got out of the relationship very hard, it was very bad and ugly, he came to the point of threatening me with stuff. but i’m used to it now, i got over it and he’s just being a bitch.
3. i don’t care for those who don’t care about me anymore.
4. i started being more self-centered and it pays off. not by being bad to others, but being better to myself.
5. i am more peaceful, less stupid and more powerful now.
6. i’m not happy yet. but i’m independent. and this pays off a lot.

it’s crap. i’ve got this silly relationship with this guy, i’m madly in love with him although he really doesn’t deserve it, and we’ve just turned 5 months. it’s kinda crap and i feel like my whole person depends on him, and i hate it. i’ve changed so much because of him (he has too) and i just wanna be myself again. i’m turning into someone i don’t even know. and i can’t let him go. i’ve tried, and when i say i wanna break up, i start crying and he starts being all nice and stuff. and we’re getting bored of one another. i can see it in his eyes, that it’s not me who he wants. he wants me more beautiful, although everybody asks me why i’m hanging with such an ugly guy, and he’s really not perfect. i like him as he is, but still i gotta say i look better than him. and he has these weird looks when he sees something ugly at me. in the beginning of our relationship, he stepped over any of my flaws, not even noticing. he just loved me and now he doesn’t. i don’t get it why he still says he wants to be with me.

it’s maybe too early but i think i’m moving on from the gloomy period that started in september i think. i feel more comfortable about myself and i can easier think about things without overreacting. or maybe i’m just having a good day.

yes, yes, this is a blue october song title but it’s also my goal.