try to forget that special somebody

.. I’ve been able to drive him from my thoughts most of the time. I have basically given up on him ever being together with me. He has found a new job anyway, and effectively I won’t be seeing him much, if at all.

But, at my quietest moments, when everything is still, especially just before I go off to sleep, or when I am lost in space, that’s when he enters my mind. I hope eventually I won’t do this anymore, consciously or subconsciously…

... that I have been crying every time I think of him. Why does he affects me so much? Why do I need him so much? And he doesn’t even seem to be affected by all this. Starting tomorrow, I’ll not be able to see his face anymore, not everyday. I won’t be able to see him laugh, crack jokes… Why is this so hard on me?? I want to be just like him. Unaffected to the point of being cold and cruel. But I always end up crying. I always end up feeling hurt for him treating me this way.

Oh, God, if only he knows how much I love him…..

... and my head’s totally messed up. :( I feel so very happy and on top of the world. But at the same time I feel this inexplicable sadness, like somebody just punched a hole through my body.

I realize the fact that I have to let him go but I also concede that I need more than sheer strength and will power to actually let him go.

I feel so miserable, wanting someone so badly and yet I can’t have him!!! Why did we meet?? What is the purpose and what does God actually want to show me?? AAaaarrrgghh…!

I tried so many ways to forget him. I tried hating him, verbally abusing him, tried being a bi**h, tried being close to another guy at work, tried to be somebody I’m not when I’m around him, all in the hope of trying to make him hate me or be turned off and not want me again.

Sadly, all has failed…

It doesn’t help that I can see him every day. It doesn’t help that next week him and me have to go on a business trip together.

How can I forget him? How can I quit loving him?? Even though he has wounded me a thousand times, my heart’s too stupid to deny him access to my heart. I am sick and tired of feeling this way, and yet I can’t get rid of him!

There’ll be some changes at work soon, if everything goes well, and I hope that change will drive us apart. Please pray that this change will take into effect very soon…