Never Forget that "Mistakes" Re-evaluated are Some of My Greatest Blessings & Shining Moments!

... for my latest “mistake” to transform itself into one of my greatest blessings & shining moments – hard to imagine, but realize it’s probably true.

... for this one as an example of the truth of this goal – and still never come close to naming all that qualify under this heading.

I’m in a shyt of a situation right now – I’ve let go of all the past shyt & ready to move forward. I see all the blessings that have come from the trials & the apparent mistakes. I’m just still really pissed off. I guess I’ll have to move into the “fake it till you make it” mode.

I can’t give myself forever to work through this. What’s done is done & I am ready to be healed…

Oh, no… another one of my goals just came to mind:

Let go & allow things to unfold naturally!

Yikes… what to do, what to do???!

Still a work in progress!

... as it turns out (ha ha)!

But, the more I think on this one, the more I love it. It’s so true. While I wouldn’t want to repeat the great majority of these events from my past, I surely cannot say that, if given the opportunity to do so, I would change a thing. How strange is that?

Who would I be if not for each & every one of those choices in my life? While I am not satisfied with the stall in my life right now, I have to say that I couldn’t be any more satisfied with the substance of who I am, what I am – essentially. I say that having been tried by the fire of heartache, pain, sorrow, disappoint, grief, betrayal, self-loathing (at other times in my life), abuse, trauma, accident, injury, & so much more.

I can’t say that I like what my life is… but, I truly like who I am to the core… I say that knowing to the core who I truly am & what I am made of – but I have been tested by some of the most difficult of life’s circumstances.

Wow, this turned out to me a whole lot more of a post than I had intended. How phenomenal, really!

I look into the mirror & I love what I see… how many people truly can say that? Now, to work on looking in the mirror of daily life & liking what I see… still much work to be done there.

Oh, yeah, the point… the point of all of this was that… it’s because of all of the trial & error that I am at this place of knowing what I am truly made of & liking what I see.

I thank God for the many blessings great & small I see each day in my life…

ahhhh

... so I just discovered this show on repeats. I love the analysis that Sara Jessica Parker often has of a given situation – makes me rethink things.

I’ve said for many years now that I do not believe in Right or Wrong… Good or Bad… Sin & Condemnation. I don’t believe in them – nor do I believe that God abides by them. This isn’t because I am a carnal wayward individual who wishes to do away with ethics & morality & live in a veritable Sodom & Gomorra.

Quite the opposite.

It’s in my pursuit of my own personal “righteousness”, divinity, relationship with God – if you will – that I have come to these conclusions. Here’s where I am coming from:

If the majority of my greatest, most defining moments of spiritual, emotional, & ethical growth have birthed out of my deepest trials, tribulations, errors, “sins”, “mistakes”, & “wrongs” – if those are the things that have truly made me the person whom God ultimately intended me to be – to be a greater blessing in the universe – how, then, are they “wrong”, “mistakes”, “errors”, or whatever?

It’s been through those mistakes that I have received such joy & triumph that words can hardly describe. I have to tell you – my ex-husband is one of the single greatest “errors” in my life – hands down. I can’t walk down the path of telling you right now the things he has done especially to our son – I’ve never stared so deeply into my own darkness as I have when confronting the contempt I have felt for him in recent months.

That all being said, how could I ever take any of that back or regret it? My life’s greatest joy is my son, Sam. Without his father, there would be no Sam. It’s as simple as that. Without the hell he has perpetrated I would maybe not have faced the places within myself that need cleansing from darkness. Without marrying him too young & all the accompanying dramas that unfolded, I dream of the far less jaded individual I would be – but there’s no way to know that.

I do know the number of subsequent life events that were a direct result of that one poor choice – that were all blessings. Because of those events, more blessings & perhaps more “mistakes” – inevitably each small event in our lives irrevocably changes the course of history. That sounds dramatic & self-important – but it’s true. We are all interconnected. What we choose or do not choose (because inaction is also a choice) sends a ripple effect across the universe – changing the picture of what you, me, & the world will be FOREVER. Just because of one single action.

I think also of my sister being raped. It’s difficult when you have a philosophy such as this – because how do heinous actions fit into it? I know that there is good & beauty to be borne of every life event. I know that as truth. I don’t pretend to have all the answers to all the universal questions. Everything I think or believe is merely my perspective from the vantage point from where I sit. Over the course of time – my theories & beliefs have changed a bit – in some cases drastically. But, fundamentally, I have remained the same. Someone who believes in goodness & mercy & sunshine & hope & love & truth & many many other thing pure & holy to me.

I thank God that my perspective keeps being more & more enlightened… A small funny thing that happened just the other day was when my sister in law said to me that I deserved all the sunshine in the world – that it wasn’t fair that it kept raining in my world (something like that at least)... I was touched by her sweetness & sincerity – but felt like a different perspective was quickened to me in that moment – since then it has grown to mean even more…

After thanking her, I responded by saying that, “God is in the Rain”... I explained that rainy days used to be so difficult for me – because I have trouble with a lack of sunshine (SAD – the grey clouds are a downer sometimes). I tried to work through this “reality” for myself & began to see that rain is life. Rain replenishes the earth. It keeps our crops growing – thereby feeding us & the animal world too. IT IS LIFE. Around that same time I either thought of or heard it said that “God is in the Rain”... & it was one of those “Ahh Haaa” moments for me.

I knew what she meant with her “rainy day” example. But, perspective is everything. What all that grew to mean to me was that “God is in the dark times”... God is right here with me – especially when times are rough. Perhaps the grey skies & clouds fog our view of that divine presence… perhaps we have to quiet ourselves & listen & feel the divine holy presence that never leaves us…

I cherish my life. I ache with emptiness & sadness over what a shell of a life it seems to be at times. But, God knows my heart & spirit. I am so abundantly grateful for insight, divine love, the gratitude that always reminds me of how good “this” really is, & each new day to help me find that perfect peace that is waiting for me within.

Muwah to all of you… aisha