... only this time I can see what is for exactly what “it is”.

“He” emailed & called today – out of the blue. As he always seemed to in years past when we would have periods of longer silence between us. Difference is this time I told him I was through – evidently that didn’t mean the same thing to him as it did to me.

“Sharing” was the subject line of the email. He then proceded to go into some detail about the hectic rigors of his life – some new chapter he has entered into, blah blah blah.

I’m not certain if I am supposed to care or if this is a thinly veiled plan to get me reeled into his web again – okay – I am very sure what it is… apparently I’ve been asleep for a very long time. It is just so obvious now. I know what my reaction / response would have been before – now it just seems so played of him.

I keep thinking of someone else on here – can’t remember her name – she was commenting on how she was trying to get rid of her ex, but she couldn’t be rude enough to ignore his calls or hang up on him or whatever. I remember those excuses -I don’t have them anymore. He called – I just didn’t answer. I just don’t want to hear it anymore.

The level at which he has lied to me = I really don’t care to hear anything that comes from his mouth. Frankly, when I saw the email – I thought at first I may just delete it – without even reading it. I thought, maybe, it was going to say he was coming to town & wanted to see me.

Truly – he could have said just about anything & it would not have mattered to me – I just don’t buy it anymore. You know the saying “I couldn’t care less” – I just may be “there”.

Although – I am writing about it – so, maybe not.

One ex STILL SURRENDERED, RELEASED, GONE!!!

... but I dealt with it like a champ!

On the 23rd, the first full day of Autumn, bright & early in the A.M. – around 7am – some investigator somebody from the county came to my door to retrieve my car for the bank. Normally this would be called getting your car “repossessed” – apparently it is different in this case.

He explained something about how high ticket items (which I laughed at – given the condition my vehicle is in after surviving the accidents it has been through & the state of the engine – but, whatever) often didn’t go through the repossession process with tow truck drivers because they don’t have the same authorities as he does nor do they tend to make as serious of an effort to actually track down the vehicles. With the apparent value of my vehicle, he was able to get the authorities involved, if necessary.

Whatever, who really cares? Let’s just face the facts here. I paid on this car for 2 1/2 years. I still owed another 13,000 dollars when disability found me. Intended to make arrangements with the bank – did in fact. But, those darn attorneys get involved & I allowed things to get all messed up. As a matter of law – the car belonged to me. Period. There was no perfection of my loan – no lienholder on the title. In the eyes of the law – no lien. I found this all out when going to file bankruptcy because of 2 – 3 hundred thousand dollars in doctors bills that were outstanding from my car accidents.

I was in a pickle.

Many of my clinics and physicians were refusing to see me because the bills were unpaid. The bills were unpaid because the insurance companies were busy arguing over who owed them. I was caught in the middle. I surely didn’t owe them. But, I need to continue on with treatment. Bankruptcy was my way to continue my medical care.

But, although I had made arrangements with the bank/credit union to lower my payments temporarily, my bankruptcy attorney was now saying that this was ill advised. For a mulititude of reasons. Including the fact that you cannot favour one creditor over another & a whole host of other reasons to include our finding out that they had never perfected the loan to begin with.

This began over 2 years of legal wrangling over the legal ownership of the vehicle. He said, she said. Blah blah blah. We are talking about forged documents by the dealership that I bought the car from & perhaps even forged documents of another sort in the end. This isn’t a bunch of crap – I am serious. As jaded as I thought I was already – I was so disheartened at the lengths people will go to to get their way. People forged my name, impersonated me to get documents. Crazy. This isn’t a friggin Mercedes Mabek I am talking about. I am only talking about a loan value of $13,000. Who lies, forges documents, & commits crimes over such things?

So, anyway… In the end, even though all signs pointed to me keeping the vehicle & paying some sum to the bankruptcy court for the car – the trustee determined that the ownership & interest belonged to the credit union. It was determined that they had a legitimate title card all along. Between you & me – I highly doubt this “fact”. If they supposedly had this since early ‘02 when the loan was taken out – why would they have paid for an attorney & gone through all this legal mess all this time – 2 years… if they had this all along?

In fact, frankly, I am fairly certain this was manufactured as well. But, here’s the kicker:

It really doesn’t matter!

Why?

Because sometimes the universe speaks loud enough that we must hear her voice. Everything legal said I was entitled to this vehicle. But, morally, ethically, how was I? The credit union had been good to me. They were that wonderful community bank, friendly lender – sorta like in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I adored the manager – we had a splendid relationship. I never intended to get something for nothing. Never. It just isn’t my way. I pay my way. I suppose I paid my way this time too – in just a different sort of way.

At some point I began to feel entitled. My title was forged. My identity stolen in the process. I WAS wronged. Yeah? So what? I still owed thousands of dollars. I perhaps should not have been painted into a corner with my medical bills & in a manner of speaking “forced” to file bankruptcy when my personal debt was minor. But, that still does not entitle me to something I did not earn or pay for. PERIOD.

Maybe a part of me forgot that along the way?! I said I didn’t. I knew better – I said I knew. But, maybe I didn’t. When I got the call a month ago from the trustee telling me of the determination – I was numb. No more wrangling. No more fighting. No more!!! It was over. It was done. I could have continued on. Especially since I am confident that this document isn’t real either. But, that wasn’t the point. I was ready to move on. To let go. To release.

Exactly one month from the phone call – this guy showed up at the door – like 7am. Maybe earlier. I think he was prepared for a fight – he started to roll out a litany of possible threats – in the event that I didn’t cooperate. Instead, I told him to come in – I had to find the key & asked if I could get whatever was left in the car out. I asked to review his document. I could tell he was a bit taken back by my response.

I realize that people get wigged out in these circumstances. But, I think these are the moments that really define us as human & spirit beings. They really are a testiment to the heart & soul of who we truly are. I wanted to photograph the bumper of my car – something that was supposed to reflect who & what I truly stood for – how could I then, act any differently?

I actually chose to find the humour & enjoyment in my interaction with him – he had to spend some time going over ever inch of the vehicle recording any damage before towing it (sorta makes a hasty get-a-way difficult – eh?). He took the license plates off the car for me – as they belong to me (personalized – 4PEACE2). We chit chatted – real good honest conversation for quite some time. Probably one of very few people who has their car taken back by the bank & talks for an hour with the guy who comes to take it away.

He gave me his email address because he wanted to read my blog about my bankruptcy & car ordeal & I videotaped him as he towed the car down the drive & away. The End of An ERA…

One Car & all associated fear RELEASED…

... no such thing as a “little white lie”. Lies are a slippery slope. One form of dishonesty melts right into the next & on & on!

I remember in my “born-again” days we talked about “sins of omission”. How many of us are “guilty” of those? There was a point in my life when I can say with relative certainty that I had “eliminated” all forms of untruth (as best as any one human being can who is not God incarnate) in my life. As I found new things – I dealt with them in truth & moved on.

That wasn’t all that long ago – only a year or two. I’ve told & accepted so many tiny little lies I almost don’t know how to identify the truth. I was with my son at some sub shop the other day & as they were making our sandwiches I grabbed my choice of chips. She was watching – I talked about what chips I wanted. I wasn’t be covert or anything.

But, then she rung everything up. The chips were sitting behind the register (where they belonged) but she couldn’t see them. She gave us our total & put it on my debit card. My son then mentioned my chips & asked if she got them. I said something like, “oh, yeah, did you get these?” Now, the truth is I haven’t stolen anything since I was in the second grade & took that pack of gum. It ain’t my thing. I wasn’t intending in any way to steal the flippin chips.

But, the dishonesty here is that – at some point after she rang things up & before my son noticed the chips – I noticed but didn’t want to start over again. I played dumb. It was a lie. Later, my son said something to me about it. See, I raised him to recognize lies & the truth in all their various shades. He called me on it. I laughed & denied it – again! But, he knew.

Was there anything monumental about that? Perhaps not – but to me there is. Always there is the respect of my son. But further, there is self-respect. There is knowing that I walk in truth & honesty – even when it isn’t easy or uncomplicated. Even when it seems silly to others.

I used to be that woman who wouldn’t take free things from employees who were not authorized to given them because I knew it was stealing (as opposed to managers who have discretionary authority often to offer free items to customers) – for me that was just another form of lying if I accepted.

I come from a family of lies. I’m pretty gifted at it. It’s a darkness I don’t wish to feed. Nor do I wish to feed it in others. It really is the “little foxes that destroy the vinyard” (another born-again reference).

I am an abundantly honest person by the majority of people’s standards. I am even abundantly honest by my own standards. But, there is always work to be done.

So, no more excuses & no more of this negative habit. Whatever you call it – IT’S GONE: NO MORE LIES OR UNTRUTH!

... it’s true. I never allowed it before in my life. But, enough is a friggin ‘nough already. Anger doesn’t become me. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it looks or feels or makes me act.

Everything I was entitled to be angry about I’ve had sufficient time to be angry for – now it’s time to move on to complete healing.

Entitlement to ANGER: SURRENDERED!

I did it!

I sent him an email. I rewrote it about a thousand times because I kept getting into the matters that hurt me. You cannot tell someone you release all negativity & then ream then a new one all at the same time. I kept having difficulty writing it without expressing my pain or wanting to write it in such a way that would, in turn, make him understand how important it was to not just apologize, but to also allow the offended party to be “heard” – really heard.

But, there is nothing he has to offer me – all the healing is within me. I don’t need him for that – or anything. So, I kept it simple.

I named this goal. Said basically what it was & why I was telling him:

1. I release all pain & negativity towards you & our past

2. I surrender our relationship into the universe

I wish you and your family your highest good.

Peace… aisha

THAT WAS IT!

One relationship previously thought significant & forever or at least “always” = SURRENDERED!

This is big. God knows I’ve surely done this before… but, we go through changes in life & unfortunately sometimes those changes bring negativity with them.

There is no doubt I have many disabilities & illnesses to overcome. But, I do not have to have an attitude of lack or inability. I think somewhere along the line I have forgotten how able I am. I know that I have.

I had truly forgotten how able I am because I had become so “disabled”. Recently I’ve come to notice my dependency on others for the smallest of things – usually not getting assistance – often things are not done. Truth is that pain is daily. It can become a terrible habit to nurse the pain by doing less or doing in a different way. You can make yourself more disabled by doing that.

My recent disappointing end to litigation, loss of my vehicle, bankruptcy, etc have somehow pushed me forward to brighter thinking. The pain can win or I can win. Ultimately it’s my choice. I really can just keep “doing” through the pain & not depend upon anyone or anything to make my life what it needs to be – what I want it to be.

I’ve suddenly just decided that waiting can’t be an option. I let the negative take over my wonderful world & someone have become a shell of my former self & even less of who I am intended to be. Suddenly nothing became possible & everything was a monumental feat!

Truth is, things are monumentally more difficult for me now than they ever were before. Truth is that mental illness makes daily life far more challenging than it “should” be. Truth is that none of this has to rule my world.

Today I let go of all negative images of myself & all self-limiting thinking. I surrender all doubt & disbelief. I choose my highest good right here & right now. I know that the all the power necessary to live the grandest version of the greatest vision of who & what I am resides right within me & did all along!

I CHOOSE ME!

... this evolution in my home is still underway. I suppose if I had simply wanted to get rid of some things but restore much of the old other stuff I’d be more than done by now… but apparently I’m on a roll! I should have known, actually. This really is my best self. This is just how I get when I’m shining. For now, I’m shining again.

I was going through more boxes of “stuff”, rearranging, & finally emptying my 10 gallon fish tank & setting up the free 20 gallon tanks I had received on freecyle.org (well, one on freecycle – the other from someone I knew). I was going through some photo frames to set up next to my father’s flag & as I was emptying one of the frames to put a different photo in & there “he” was again behind the front photo.

My instant thought was, “yet another thing to purge”. But, I hesitated for some reason. I suppose it is the photo historian, of sorts, in me. Thought maybe I should keep it because it represented the past & that was important.

Instead – I decided – pretty quickly – on not just throwing it away but instead making a ceremony out of the process & “deciding” to let “it all” go. I’m a ceremony & ritual type gurl. They are very significant & meaningful for me.

So, I took the photo & lit an incense & spoke my new truth over & to the photo image & I lit it on fire. I told it everything I had been feeling & everything I was now going to feel & that when it was complete – “it was done”.

And, so it was…

One previously significant photo: BURNED!

There have been TONS & TONS of things that I have released & purged… I couldn’t possibly list them all here as some folks have… But, I thought it would be fun to list a few of the more significant ones to me:

1. tiny plastic piggy with tail curled that was ‘symbolic’ of an ongoing joke / flirt between me & “him” for years. I found it in my bedroom as I was cleaning. GONE! Trashed!

2. beautiful wicker cabinet I have been dragging with me from home to home for 12 years – since I was fully in the midst of my hippy wicker phase & my house (at one time) was packed full of wicker everything. GONE! Off to a new home with a new wicker fanatic!

3. amazing cherrywood armoire entertainment center… I’ve been wanting to just release this one & be done with it but have been afraid for weird reasons. I was given it about 2 years ago new – scratch & dent – by this program for folks who were in just the situation I was in. I had essentially no material possessions to speak of. I felt so humbled & honoured by the gift that I was chained by it at some point. I felt like it was ungrateful to give something so wonderful away or get rid of it. Well, I let go of that. It ended up with a couple who seemed to really want/need it. So… GONE!

4. shoes – lots of shoes… Lord knows this has been a journey. I had become a shoe freak. At one point, before the car accidents, I probably had 250 pair of shoes/sandles. Keep in mind that I never ever bought a pair new. I was a thrift store volunteer & junkie so I’d get name brand NICE shoes sometimes brand new for CHEAP or FREE! I was REALLY into sandles with a nice little heel. Feet – really into feet & making them look all pretty. I used to wear sexy sandles with heels until it was just too friggin cold to do so.

Well, then came the accidents & back issues. After a bit it became clear I’d need to get a reality check of sorts. That combined with my intent to move to Afrika – well, all those shoes just was not practical. I had reduced my shoe supply by a zillion several times. SEVERAL.

Yesterday was the last time. And, with this time was my last heels hold out. They were a lovely orange ungodly high heel – whew! Along with them went all but about 7 pair of shoes! GONE! Most to other homes.

5. cat tree… this was one of those giantic 6 feet tall ones with all the lovelies for the feline friends! Hammocks, scratching posts, hiding places, platforms, tunnels, YOU NAME IT! My kitties were sad, I’m sure. Which is the very excuse & guilt that kept it here for so long – along with the fact that it was ungodly expensive & irreplacable at that cost if ever I decided I wanted another. But, I opted for wide open spaces… less accumulated cat hair & dust… & a greater sense of freedom from that choice! It worked! GONE! To a rescued animal foster home!

6. afrikan statue/head… I have had this for sooooo long & have always refused to part with it. It is not authentic. Someone carved it here I am presuming. I had bought it at a church sale years & years ago with another smaller one. I love the smaller one but someone messed up with the one I gave up. It looks alien or something. It’s head is pointed & the features are not really Afrikanish. See, when I had gotten rid of everything for my move – there were a few select things I kept… some of them friends wanted when I actually left the country & just a few others that I was going to put in storage. I had to have a few items to tide me over until I left.

Anyhow… the gist of it is that for whatever reason this one had stayed & now it’s gone! GONE! Off to a new home!

7. petrified wood from trip to seattle to see “him”... I bought it because it was beautiful & ageless & thought it would be a beautiful reminder of what would “always” be between us – especially in Seattle. Well, funny how always isn’t forever! GONE! TRASHED!

8. an entire copy paper box of printed out emails from “him”... yes, that means a whole box = the equivalent of what – 10 reams of papers or more? That wasn’t even a large degree of the emails I had deleted already but hadn’t printed ages before. I had printed these a year & a half ago & had intended initially to print all of them – with the idea that one day I may incorporate parts of them or something about them & our “thing” into a book or my memoires or something. I printed them so that they couldn’t be lost in email.

I think they became a noose, of sorts. They were just sorta slowly sucking the air outta me by being there in my room. I took a moment – as if to pay my respects or something – not sure what AND: GONE! TRASHED!

I am breathing free again – for the first time!

(well, other than the floating dust everywhere that is making my hack like a 90 year old! lol)

These are difficult ones that aren’t going to happen over nite – I don’t think. But, I am starting with a new psychologist, she called today to set up an appointment, & these two items are going to be towards the top of my list of priorities with her. It may be difficult to even write about:

3: Learn to forgive myself for making one of the poorest choices of my life in making my son’s father his father (does that make sense?). And, subsequently, be able to forgive myself for all the ignorant choices I made in trying to do the “right” thing by allowing, making room for, creating room for, going out of my way for his father to do further & continual damage to him in his life over the course of years. Forgive myself for not seeing what was going on. Forgive myself for ignoring what was going on. Forgive myself for diminishing the impact of what was going on. Forgive myself for continually trying to “fix it” & always making it worse with his pops.

I chose poorly. I chose too young for a something that was a lifelong decision affecting an innocent child. I compounded that poor decision by marriage & corrected it with divorce four years later.

I continued with the poor choices by neglecting to leave well enough alone & to see the big picture – probably because I was too young still to know what the full impact of his influence would be. I felt that some father would be better than no father. It was for me. I never dreamed or imagined that his father would perpetrate the damage or negative influence on him that ended up being true. I just never imagined his pops introducing him to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol – doing those things with him – making them acceptable & cool. I never fathomed the hero he has been in the eyes of my son woudl be such a nightmare to me – I helped create that… somehow my son finds manliness & valor in his father’s behaviour – he is who he learned to be a man from… MY GOD… I never imagined the obvious would be true I suppose.

I don’t think I am going to fully heal until I am able to “get over” this… just forgive myself for often doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons. I need to let it go… for myself, but also so that I can move forward to the new stage of parenting my son who is now a young adult & needs me to parent him diffently, but fully from love – not fear or guilt. I need to surrender this on so many levels… I surrender this now…

4: I need to forgive my ex-husband / my son’s father… I have found this new turn of events with him to be the greatest exercise of my values & beliefs EVER in my life. I have not ever in my life wished another person ill. I have not ever wanted to commit evil upon another individual. And, let me tell you – there have been plenty of circumstances that – in the eyse of many – would have warranted it!

When I found out the truth about what my son’s father had been doing – all the drugs & alcohol, everything… all the lies & manipulations with my son TO MY SON… I thought I would break. I did. I prayed I would not be near him for fear I would become the evil I wish to be no part of… You’d have to understand what sort of relationship we have had as a divorced “couple”. In my heart & mind our relationship was long over before the divorce in ‘92 – I divorced him. But, partially out of guilt in the beginning (felt guilty for divorcing him) & mostly because I wanted him to be an active part of my son’s life, I was always an amazingly loving & supportive advocate for him.

When he almost died & was in hospital – Sam (my son) & I both were right there with him each day (I took Sam after work). I always tried to mirror for Sam what “family” looked like & what people who were unconditionally loving & accepting acted like. When his dad was without a home – he came and stayed it our house. There has never ever been anything between us other than our son since we were married – nothing. But, I believe that family doesn’t quit being family just because relationships move on. In my mind, his dad & his dad’s family remained a part of my family through him – & I believe that the needs & well-being of my child always come before that of myself or his father.

I took him to see his father because his father never had a car. I brought groceries because he never had any food. I paid for presents & gave them to him – telling him that they were from his pops. I did all sort so ridiculous things that allowed his father to remain what he was (thinking that – well, knowing that he probably wouldn’t be around otherwise – not because of any other reason than that’s what kind of person he was) & unknowingly exposed my son to his father & his father’s family – the most horrific influences of his life.

I only found out this last fall about his father’s full involvement in my son’s downfall. Good lord, as things were getting worse with my son – I thought he need his father more – so I gave his father further room (prior to this news of course) to damage in his life. I invited the devil to burn my child. Not once – but over & over again.

I have so many stories – so many demons that need exorcism on this matter. I just need cleansing & renewal on this one!

I need to forgive him because that is who I am – essentially. It’s for my highest good.

I need to forgive him & have to show manifest in my life for example to my son of who I’ve always claimed to be.

I need to forgive him because the anger & resentment & hatred it eating a hole into my soul & I am afraid of the darkness that it may continue to create.

I need to forgive him because I am tired of holding on to “this” so tightly – I just need to surrender…

I need to forgive because I need to be who I know I am & this isn’t it…

I still have tons of paperwork & clothes to go through & the kitchen to be reorganized, but it’s like this apartment has been transformed into a beautiful haven… sort of a strange mix of open & airy & eclectic / Afrikan / hippy / bohemian chic!

I am thrilled & amazed at my progressed! I’ve had in-home services due to my disabilities for a while now (not that they are any prize mind you – but, they help somewhat & are surely better than nothing). But, this project I my initiation & with the assistance of my son’s girlfriend – I FOLLOWED THROUGH… I did the work! Not the in-home providers & not my son’s girlfriend by herself. ME… I surrendered & created renewal for myself!

YIPEE!!!