express without limits whenever need be

I collapsed at the gym today. I wasn’t even through half my workout , i was just doing weights and the weights i use are pathetically low! But i started sewating more than normal and then i fainted. A lady took me to the hospital and my ecg wasn’t quite right, i was put on a drip and had blood tests blah blah blah, i was only there for 5 hours and have to see a cardiologist. It was a bit scary but not that bad because i guess its all familiar. What upset me the most was that B didn’t call me when i let him know. He found out once i was out then texted me and i was really upset about this. If this happened to your partner wouldn’t you call them? Wouldn’t you want to hear their voice? And ask them how they were going?
:(

so its time for me to have fun! I want to live in joy and fun, focus on fun. I have been away a few times the last 2 months but they have been trying as i have had little cash and i have felt obliged to go for certain events. Now its me time, just living a normal fun life time! yae!!!! I can’t wait to find a job, i know this doesn’t sound like fun but it will be for me!

Saw an interview with David Puttnam, he was talking about the role of film in creating social change and was in general just a very interesting man. Want to read more about him

So Michelle had her surgery. I sat outside the operating theater for about 8 hours, waiting and waiting and praying….the amount of times i watched those doors open and close…,anyway her surgeon called me after he had finished to let me know that it went pretty well. Apparently the tumor is quite sticky but he managed to remove 98% which is pretty amazing , especially considering where it was. He did have to remove part of the sack around her heart and there is a little left on her lung and aorta which was too risky to cut into.

I felt a bit more prepared this time, having seen her and looked after her through the thoracoscopy and collapsed lung, pneumothorax , not to mention the chemo. Everything i learnt from those times has helped me help Michelle this time, especially when it comes to pain medication, anti medics… all that fun stuff. The poor thing has been through so much and because of that a little part of me is kind of disapointed they couldn’t get it all. She has staples all down her chest and had so many lines and tubes coming from her.
I wish dad had stayed to see her after the surgery, he got tired waiting and went home, he worked the next day too.He hasn’t come to any of her oncology appointments let alone any “big” appointments, hasn’t tried to support Michelle by asking how is she REALLY going, it’s always “you’ll be right , just take it day by day”. This is my dad as he has been my whole life, he hasn’t helped with medical bills which isn’t such a big deal but the offer would be nice.
He has never been an “involved” dad.

I wish i had someone to talk to when i get home. Spending long hours at the hospital and the emotions of seeing my sister in so much pain and everything involved in this journey, i have been feeling really disapointed with my friends actually, which makes me feel sad. I would just love a text messaged that asked ” how are you going today? Hope it has been okay, love blah de blah” . People get curious and frustrated when i don’t let them know how it all went but once they know …. where is the support for me? They have the information to help them feel better but what about the support i need? They are all planning and living their lives and doing normal fun things and i feel like my heart is breaking watching Michelle and trying so hard to be strong and have no one to sit with and just be present with me…... To be more fair , i know if i called someone that i would find someone to listen… but i need someone to reach out to me and someone who won’t just start talking about their kids or new puppy.
Its funny that its actually my friends parents who have probably been the best support. I guess they have more understanding of what its like to care for someone.

So Michelles surgery is on wednesday. She will have a sternotomy which is how they perform open heart surgery. The tumor is in a precarious position and could be attached to her aorta and pulmonary artery but the surgeon said he will not play hero, just get out as much as he can.
I haven’t really thought about it simply because theres been so much intensity during those previous hospital stays , i’ve been enjoying my emotional freedom when shes not in hospital, the last few weeks have almost felt like a holiday in comparison. It feels like my hearts breaking when shes in pain, i can’t do anything and i have to stay strong. I had it in me before i just hope i still do.
I have organised to go to visit the Saint Mary MacKillop museum tomorrow , she has just been canonised as a saint and my mum would of been so stoked if she was still alive. She was a big devotee of Mary MacKillop. I have already been to the museum twice when i was younger, i have memories of commuting around Sydney on really hot days to get there , she also bought my friends and i tickets to go see a movie based on her life (which came out about 15 years ago) which at the time was SO uncool! haha but we went anyway and learned a lot. So in consideration of her canonisation last Sunday, mums honour and Michelles surgery on Wednesday i thought it wouldn’t cause harm to say some extra strong prayers where Mary MacKillop is buried.

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
View quotes by Confucius

One thing i have been struggling with for a while is how selfish i feel. Self absorbed to the point it is tiresome to communicate with friends , as though i am needing to preserve any left over energy i have by keeping it to myself. I haven’t even helped out around the house lately and i haven’t kept on top of fund raising “stuff” , i feel bad about that. I don’t know, maybe i am just depressed because i know that can feel narcissistic.I’d prefer to feel truly grateful for things, to see the bigger picture and put things into real perspective but i just don’t.

I had this interesting dream last night. It felt very interactive between my conscience and sub concious, while i was dreaming i was very aware of all the connections within our brain and aware of all it’s potential. I could feel all of it in use … then i would awaken and i could feel the small amount i was actually using, it felt very limited.
While asleep i had all these answers that were in the form of marbles and the marbles could match up which indicated problems were being solved , answers were being found, that i had more answers than i felt i did and it felt easy, i was just watching it happen. When i’d “wake up” (i’m pretty sure i was waking up) i only had a few marbles and i couldn’t make out how the marbles could connect, the problem i could see was that the marbles couldn’t move towards each other to form answers , to connect because they would be disturbing the other marbles. That problem felt like a reality i had made up, a limitation i set.

i don’t know where to start. I haven’t done this in a while. Probably when i’ve needed to the most.
Things changed so fast and a dive into the deep end left me focusing solely on my sisters survival.
She has spent 6 1/2 out of the last 8 weeks in hospital. When someones health is so unstable , where the morning events doesn’t dictate the evenings, you learn to live in the moment and learn fast.
For this reason i don’t feel ready to write about everything, it’s too much.
What i do feel like expressing about is a lady whos son also has cancer. We know each other from our church family group of many moons ago. It was a suprise to see her there as it has been a long time. She was quite close with my mum and i used to play with her older children all the time.
Her youngest who is also my sisters age has stage 4 abdominal cancer and she says he will pass away very soon. She shared the story with me from the discovery which only happened 5 months ago to his inability to fall asleep today , scared that he won’t wake up. He wants to go home, she wants him to stay in hospital as its too worrisome for her at home, blood transfusions aren’t working and blood clots line his lungs, his urine is black and he is angry. Yet he is weak, finds it hard to walk, he is fading.
It is so horrible and he doesn’t deserve this and neither does his family, they’re such good people.
Her strength is so inspiring. She spoke about how we don’t have a say in the length of time in which our loved ones are here, therefore they are a gift and everyday with them is a gift. They are grateful to of had 25 years with him, focusing on what they have had , learning and gaining positives.She practices staying grounded, in the moment.
A woman whos son is passing away and in such a way, shone so much light on me today , light on all these things i knew but found difficult to feel.I felt it today.

I am so ready to grow more, let go and stop sleepwalking through this life. For a long time a corner of myself has felt dead. Paralysed by fear and negative self talk. I’ve had enough. I am ready ready ready to open,let go , feel my own light , celebrate and grasp life with all of my heart.