...was actually only half an entry!!
My hubby came in half way through me typing out my first entry under this goal. I didn’t want him to see it as when I admitted having the odd drunken cigarette he warned me that I would soon be addicted again and slip back into daily smoking.
Although I was adamant that wouldn’t happen….it did. Somehow I progressed from drunken cigs outside the pub to buying them and secretly amoking them at work…and when walking the dog. I realised I was consructing reasons to leave the house so I could have a sneaky smoke.
I keep telling myself that every pack will be the last, then I feel stressed or angry and I buy another. I’m nowhere near my former 20 a day habit, but I am smoking between 2-7 a day and I really want to quit permanently and forever.
Here’s what is holding me back:
1. Addiction. Even after 6 years of not smoking, I still felt like a smoker and still craved cigarettes.
2. Rebellion. I have this vicious rebellious streak that just wants to be naughty!
3. Secrecy. Similar to the above I have this strong urge to have a secret. It’s been eating, drinking, self harming, naughty texting….anything to feel a sense of having something that no-one knows about. Though actually it’s probably only my hubby and kids who don’t know I’m smoking and I’m pretty sure my hubby knows it’s been more than ‘social’ smoking.
So where now? I’ve bought some patches (on which I successfully quit before), I just haven’t been committed enough to quitting to actually start using them yet…..sigh.
Well, I have confessed and I will keep trying to quit until I am successful. I feel it’s close, it’s just a matter or doing it.
