be a good mother

I sent the following to the police query mailbox:

My 14 year old daughter is having regular contact with a 22 year old man against our wishes. She claims it is only a friendship and they will not have sexual contact until she is 16. Is there anything I can do to prevent this ‘friendship’?

Police response:

As a caring parent I can understand how difficult the situation
must be for you. If you speak with your daughter and monitor the situation closely you may be able to manage the relationship to the satisfaction of both parties, if the relationship is purely platonic other than going against your wishes no law is being broken. However, if you suspect anything beyond this you should report the matter to your local police either via their main telephone switch board number or via the their web link.

My response: Aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhh.

My sister offered to have his legs broken. Maybe I should consider my options!

...not sure how much more I can take!

The dilemma earlier on in the week was about K divulging that she is still in contact with the 22 year old man that we forbid her to talk to. She asked for our approval of a friendship and not a relationship and I agonised over it. The guilt I felt about being a bad mother was my consideration of the friendship to give me ‘an easy life’. I knew saying no would let a tornado into the house.

In my heart I knew it was wrong on every level and I could not give my blessing so yesterday I made clear our boundaries. That there is to be no friendship or relationship. It was like igniting a firework in an enclosed space. I have been physically, mentally and emotionally suffering from the burns ever since.

Fortunately, my Mum was available to step in and give me some space and all parties agreed a night at her friends with her responsible mother would give us all a break. Today we sat down with K and made clear that we will never approve of her, as a 14 year old child, having close contact with a 22 year old man….and if she decided to break our rules she will have to face the consequences. It was not an easy conversation but I felt we made some progress and we even managed hugs and ‘love yous’ later on.

The this evening I get a phone call from the friend’s responsible mother upset because she discovered K snuck vodka (that I later realised was my vodka) into her house and then went out and got drunk and returned to stay at her house intoxicated. I was embarrassed, guilty, angry and uspet all at once…..again.

I just keep asking myself over and over how can I be a ‘good mother’ in this situation? Harsh punishments and strict boundaries don’t work as we nearly came to blows when I tried to enforce a grounding a few months ago. Soom she will be an adult and can make her own choices but I desperately need a strategy to get through the next few years.

:(

I don’t even want to write it down here as most people will probably think I am a bad mother for even doubting my decision.

It’s just so hard to be wise, sensible, caring and controlling whilst dealing with an emotional, hormonal, turblent teen.

...I was in full blown labour!

I can’t believe a year has passed since I went into labour at my friend’s daughter’s 5th birthday party and after denying I was in labour for several hours eventually conceeded that I probably should go to the hospital.

Stinky Pinkleton was born at 1.04am so most of my labour actually happened on the 11th. This photo was taken exactly one year ago!!

...for the children seems easy to do.

Hubby and I decided that K really needs more privacy (her bedroom was downstairs) so we have moved her back upstairs into Jimmers’ old room. We’ve put Jimmers and Stinky Pinkleton into our old room and decided that we were prepared to sacrifice having out own bedroom in order to have a playroom for the children.

It sounds a little odd but it suits the layout of the house. It means we are now sleeping in the living room and have a bathroom/dressing room. It wont be forever but I think it was the best option for now and most importantly it didn’t cost anything but pleased everybody.

Problem is the house is still in complete chaos so I guess I’d better go get back to sorting/tidying/cleaning!

Overall a success I feel. We did hit a very sticky point with K but fortunately she has ended a very destructive friendship of her own volition and things feel calmer…for now.

Over Easter I tried to have a ‘seize the moment’ attitude which meant a lot less time in the house/on the computer.

• Impromptu beach visit
• Baby and family yoga
• Three sleepovers here
• K to three (approved) sleepovers
• Mum to dinner/walk
• Successful visit to in-laws
• Mug painting
• Tattoo day for adults & kids
• Cinema with all three
• Shopping to spend Easter money

K – We’re being pretty tolerant (didn’t overreact to her coming home drunk on Fri and vomitting all night) and letting her spend time with her bf. We’re talking frequently and spending time together.

To do: Focus on homework – do some extra Maths.

Jimmers – We’ve got a nice routine going which includes individual time with us and there are lots of learning opportunities. We had a lovely time playing footie at the park as a family too!

To do: A little more structured writing practice and swimming with us as well as with Nanna.

Stinky Pinkleton – I’m enjoying every single second but so sad at how fast it’s flying by. She’s almost 6 months old now, weighs 18lb3oz and is on solids.

To do: First swim! Fill in baby book. Make sure that with all the rushing around to baby groups I spend a little time each day just focussed on her.

I want to keep this goal a priority, it’s easy to become distracted by other things and find time flying by with my mind preoccupied. My children will only stay so for a blink of an eye and I want to make their childhoods happy and healthy. Funny how something so straightforward can be so complicated!!

K – My oh my what a challenge the teens are (and we still have 6 more years of them to go)! It’s so hard to be villified for putting your child’s needs before her wants. E.g She WANTS to stay out late but she NEEDS a decent nights sleep on schoolnights. Such a rollercoaster of emotions – one minute she hates me, then she loves me millions (especially if she wants something). Oh so tiring when happy and healthy cannot be married.

Jimmers – The happy bit is easy! He loves playing games, which I try to do with him lots, but when I am busy he is happy on the PS3 or PSP or laptop. The healthy bit is only slightly more challenging. I am fortunate that he loves healthy food and exercise – I just need to make sure I’m setting a good example. Only issues are being rude (e.g. refusing requests or demanding) and shouting (unfortunately he looks up to K a lot) and the nose picking/eating addiction – I’m hoping this will pass with time – I’m tired of nagging.

Stinky Pinkleton – One of my favourite bits about being a mother is the baby stage. I just need to make the most of my maternity leave – and not by going to 10 different groups a week – just by taking time to enjoy every moment. When else in life is eye contact and a smile so rewarding? And when else can I sort out happy and healthy with one boob!!!

...I was sitting here thinking about whether or not I’ve been achieving this goal lately when I realise I am leaving my daughter in her swing chair gurgling to herself and batting her dangly toys while I type away. Maybe not doing so well eh?!

...picking her up now…

My mothering skills have to be so different now for each of my children – the teen, the pre-schooler and the baby. With the first we are having tough times but trying to maintain the relationship as much as possible. With out pre-schooler we are trying to balance more educational play alongside his infatuation with the Playstation! With the baby we are getting to know her and loving every minute!

A challenge at the moment is to decide how many clubs all the children do. I went to breastfeeding group with Emma (aka Stinky Pinkleton) today and I could easily do baby groups every day. I think groups have great benefits but I remember feeling that at the end of maternity leave with Jimmers I regretted rushing round all the time and wished we’d had more one to one time. I need to get the balance right!

I’m going to have my hands full but I am so happy to have three wonderful children. Luckily K and Jimmers seem quite impressed with their new baby sister Emma!