Live a more Healthy Life

Staring down a slippery slope.
Back away.
Now.

Talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

Icy fingers seek reassurance.

Ok, so not the complete end of the goal as I want to continue to live a more healthy life but the end as in the realisation of what living a healthy life really consists of for me.

Weight:

So most of the ‘ideal weight’ charts (and believe me I have examined many) state that for my height (5”0) I should weigh between 7st 4lb and 8st 12lb. For years I believed this meant I could weigh 7st 4lb and be healthy....but no. I have learnt (the extremely hard way) that once I go below around 8st 3lb my periods stop and I slip into a nightmare state of depression and anorexia. It sucks, it’s not fair and I hate admitting it but finally I’m accepting that the top end of my weight range is what’s healthy for me. Lots of people may be lucky enough to stay healthy below this weight…but I’m not one of them.

You don’t know how hard it is for me to have written that down. It sounds silly but I find it really upsetting.

Exercise:

Again these are my rules based on me, I have a tendency to get addicted to things and I have to be a bit careful. I find obsessions so easy to slip into and exercise should be part of a healthy life…not life itself. So, for me, daily yoga, 3/4 walks a week and 3/4 runs a week (including gym!) seems to be the right balance, with one day a week for rest. Doing anything x5 plus starts to dominate me.

Alcohol:

I’ve come to the conclusion that I flirted with alcoholism very dangerously and was lucky to escape virtually unscathed. I have to be VERY careful around booze becoming a daily feature or over used as a means of coping with stress. I don’t feel I need to become tee total, I decided to limit myself to once a week plus special occasions and I feel confident with three months under my belt that I’ve changed the habit. I just mustn’t become complacent.

That’s just the start….I need to ponder and fine tune my rules around diet, caffiene, supplements, stress, sleep and more.

Ever since I had that damned goal ‘to gain weight’ (which ironically I made with the intention of being healthy) I haven’t been living a healthy life. Yes, I needed to gain a stone or so but somewhere on that path I wandered off and became entangled in a web of alcohol and food and lost my way. A suspected fractured coxis (sp?) didn’t help as I couldn’t exercise for a while and then I fell out of the habit.

When I fell pregnant with Stinky Pinkleton I improved my health to some degree by reducing my alcohol consumption but I never quite got to where I wanted to be. Since she was born in October I’ve had good intentions and have made some improvements but I find breastfeeding gives me momentous appetite and being at home during the day makes munching too accessible.

Finally this week I have managed to get my arse in gear and start taking some real action. I’ve upped my walking to everyday and am making it brisk. I started a yoga class today and am going back to the gym next week. I’m eager to get running again and have signed up for another 5k. I know I need to be mindful of my tendency to become addicted to exercise but for now I think I can keep it in check.

I have also improved my eating somewhat (although not perfect). I’ve found that aiming for five fruit/veg a day is reducing the unhealthy snacking. E.g. I was a bit peckish a minute ago and had a carrot instead of the toast I would often reach for.

It’s helping that some close friends of mine are also trying to loose weight and get fit and they also know about my past issues and have promised to tell me if I start to get too obsessive!

Immediate gratification vs long term health & well-being.
Eating & exercising for health not happiness.
Such a dilemma.

Both literally and figuratively.

I’ve had a couple of really good long walks this past week – 3 hours Weds and about 2 and a half Fri but walked faster. It feels good to be stretching my muscles out again.

The real miles have been made in my mindset though. For the first time I can genuinely say I was exercising for health and wellbeing – not for weightloss. I enjoyed a good lunch both days and didn’t feel I’d ‘undone my good work’.

I just really hope I can maintain this feeling!

As when I was pregnant with Jimmers, being pregnant again has allowed me to follow a healthy lifestyle with a greater ease. I haven’t been perfect but I haven’t allowed the demons to take hold.

As I approach the final weeks of my pregnancy I can feel the pull of old habits re-appearing. It’s not about being healthy, it’s about being thin.

I have talked to my therapist about it but I don’t feel confident about my control over being in control. Both hubby and Mum have mentioned their concerns in the past week – I haven’t lied, we’re way past that point, but I can’t say ‘it wont happen again’ with faith.

I really need to re-focus.

...but given my history of extremes that’s probably not a bad thing.

I’ve slowed down my weight gain and even lost a teeny bit just through making healthier choices. Still not super healthy but hubby is making an effort to cook dinners with lots of fresh veg and we’ve avoided take aways for a while.

I really want to increase the exercise I take but I feel a bit restricted both by the pregnancy and by my worsening asthma. I will overcome those issues though – just by getting back into the routig of walking the dog (hubby and K doing it at the mo) and by picking up some yoga again.

I can’t believe that my last entry was 8 months ago with the diagnosis of Premature Menopause. It seems unreal that I’m sitting here pregnant when 8 months ago I was told I’d probably never be able to conceive again.

Weirdly the way I seemed to solve a lot of my problems was to be unhealthy. It is me all over to go from one extreme to the other. I went from daily running/yoga/gym and restricted diet to spending six months mainly drunk and eating crap.

I’ve put on 4 stone which I hate, but the upshot it that my hormone production restarted and I was able to come off HRT and conceive. I still have to cope with the osteopenia which has been the hallmark of my anorectic episodes but hopefully I can stop the condition getting any worse.

Now I’m faced with the challenge I’ve always known I have to meet – to maintain a balance, to eat healthily but not to slip back into eating disorders, to exercise but not to the expense of all else, to focus on my health not soley on my appearance. To be aware of healthy living but not to let it take over my life.