be true to myself

...is testing this goal to the limit.

I was feeling a bit desperate and anxious earlier as I left a rather stressful meeting feeling that I cannot deliver the promises I made at interview. To be frank I was feeling stupid. I was worrying that the other agencies representatives would be wondering why probation had employed a numpty to take the place of the ‘oh so efficient’ C.

Then I noticed this goal leaping out at me. Actually, during the meeting, I was true to myself. I admitted there are still aspects of the programme I need to learn and I challenged the issues I felt needed addressing. Most importantly I avoided being sucked into ‘management speak’. I cannot abide the irritating habit so many of my counterparts have adopted of using incomprehensible buzz words within every sentence. It made me chuckle when I later discovered the corporate bullshit generator and realised that I can remain true to myself by actively avoiding the adoption of such rubbish!

...I think I’m getting somewhere with this one. On more that one occasion lately I’ve found myself saying ‘hang on a moment, I’m not sure I agree – especially on topics I feel really count.

I feel almost ready to sign off on this one!

...I DON’T need to please other people…I DO need to please myself!

...I DON’T need to be liked…I DO need to like myself!

...I DON’T need to fit in with them…I DO need to fit in with MEEE!

My therapist thinks that in a lot of situations I am not demanding enough and don’t exert my boundaries enough. I tend then to becaome aggressive. He suggested becoming a little more demanding – especially with my husband but also with my Mum.

I gave it a go and all hell let loose with hubby. He was not impressed but as a few days have passed he’s beginning to hear what I said and not what he thought he heard. With my Mum it was quite successful and she’s offered to have the children for a few hours tomorrow to give me a break – woohoo!

...half a dozen of another.

Sometimes I seem to manage to be true to myself. I no longer agree when I really don’t. I consider my reflections before offering an opinion.

Yet, there are still occasions when I don’t say what I really feel. Tonight a so called ‘friend’ of mine really behaved quite badly. I sat and watched. I wish I had stayed true to my values and said something.

I need to find the right way of doing this. I speak my mind to my husband, daughter, mother and therapist but rarely to anyone else. I would like to change that.

Several things this week have led me to focus on the importance of being authentic and speaking from the heart. Not platitudes, not cliches, not always what they want to hear but what is in your heart.

I am concious about speaking from my heart and this will mean being true to myself.

...and I’ll say it again. AUTHENTICITY!

I’ve got to stop doing what I think I should be doing and actually do what’s right for me and…

...stop judging myself for it!

...being heavily pregnant is playing havoc with my sleep patterns and I seem to spend vast amounts of time laying in bed awake. Instead of tormenting myself with wondering when this baby will arrive I directed my thoughts to who I am and how I can stay true to myself.

My thoughts turned to water and how much I love it, yet strangely how I have had so little time with it lately. I live less than 5 minutes from the sea for goodness sakes yet I have not even walked next to to it for months…what is going on? I feel so much more connected when I’m near (or in) the water…as soon as this baby arrives I’m going to incorporate some regular beach walks into my routine!

It has become obvious in my therapy that I am not satisfied by anybody or anything. My marriage, my relationships, my friendships, my career, my home….myself.

I feel completely stuck, I know that in order to be achieve satisfaction in any area of my life I need to be satified with myself…and yet I really don’t know how to go about that.

Hmph.

My therapist recently commented that the things I dislike in others may be those things I dislike about myself. A rather over simplified theory I think but with some elements of truth.

I’ve just had a lovely week on holiday with 12 of us plus the dog…however….some of the time I was a grumpy, moody annoying cow. In the theme of ‘being true to myself’ I did a little digging and reflection over what I was actually getting annoyed about and I think I discovered some things about myself.

• I do not like to be taken for a fool although I do care about not hurting people’s feelings in pointing that out.

• I hate being ‘fussed over’ because I pride myself on being independant and self sufficient.

• I want to fit in and please others although I feel jealous of those brave/selfish enough to put their own needs first. As always finding a balance would be good.

• I don’t like to be seen as the ‘baddy’ but I can’t drop something until it is resolved.

• I think awareness of boundaries is vital.

• I can’t stand wingeing in myself or others.

• I care too much about what I look like and I want to change that.

• I like a good argument but in some cases I need to develop a thicker skin.

• I love my family dearly although at times we all drive each other crazy!!

Here’s a pic of us all minus my Dad who took the photo.