find out who i am

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

...I feel like I’m coping well without it. I still have my ‘moments’ but I do seem to recollect things I’ve learnt and feel more able to cope effectively without resorting to unhealthy methods than I ever have before.

Yet I still keep coming back to the question of who I am. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to meet someone else’s ideals. I try to have a quick stocktake now and again to question if I am being authentic and it disturbs me when I am unsure.

I not done with this goal though I want to be!

...only 3 more sessions with my therapist.

We’ve been talking about ending for a while and I feel ready but I am still quite afraid. Today we discussed what I need to ‘end’. I’m scared I will forget what I’ve learnt about myself. I know that’s silly really because it’s forming who I am now but I would like some kind of ‘report’ or something I can look back on to remember what I have learnt about myself.

I’ve agreed to reflect on these issues over the next week or so…I feel some doodling coming on….

Tonight I went out with a group of friends and one of those ladies offended/shocked me with a number of things…..but…I didn’t say anything. I kind of presented evidence to the contrary….but I didn’t directly challenge her.

I really want to change this in myself.

I’ve struggled for a long time with concepts of sameness and difference. I swing wildly between desperately wanting to conform and to be the same as everyone else, then I yearn for difference and find myself rebelling with a passion.

It may be that my desire for sameness (particularly with my Mum) is that I didn’t have the chance to separate gradually as a teen but severed the relationship dramatically (though repaired it later) thus never really going through a ‘process’.

The truth is that in some ways I am the same as my Mum/friends/colleagues etc and in other ways I am not. It does not have to be all or nothing and neither do I.

I have been thinking about ego and how some people seem quite egotistical without any sort of evidence for it (big-headed some might say).

I feel confident about some parts of my identity as I have ‘evidence’ for them. Other parts I feels less confident about.

I talked with my therapist today about this and we discussed how both delusions/illusions of grandeur AND delusions/illusions of inferiority can be coping mechanisms in difficult situations – sometimes the more difficult the situation the greater the delusion.

Leading on from this we explored how some people focus on being good or bad and feel one eclipses the other but the reality is we are a mixture of the two.

We also talked about trusting your mind but also questioning it and also pondering on what I THINK and what I FEEL.

Progress is happening.

...according to the 43T personality quiz. Who knew?!

Wrote a long entry and bloody lost it. Hmph.

General gist – my baby already knows who she is. I was a baby and knew who I was. I need to go back to basics.

Long and short of it – therapy generally productive.

...and raised an issue in therapy today that I find really tough. It’s early days and I have a lot of work to do but I feel that this area is crucial to not only knowing who I am but shaping who I want to be.

I feel some significant progression is happening.

Last night I lay awake worrying about who I am.

I don’t know if it is a combination of reaching my 30s, impending motherhood (for the 3rd time) or just having more time on my hands to think – but I felt almost panicky that I am losing my sense of self.

I want to feel stronger faith in who I am, in how I dress, what I believe, how I live etc. Weirdly at the moment I feel most lost over my sense of style (perhaps because I’ve been stuck in maternity clothes for so long!) – I know that who I am is more than what I wear but it feels important at the moment – like a thread holding ‘me’ together.