love

I don’t know, really. I do know that I’m re-evaluating what it means to be rejected: I don’t have to ‘be’ rejected, even if I ‘feel’ that way. Really, I choose to ‘feel’ that way, dwell on that feeling, and talk about it, send that energy out, then I become that, and people see that or sense it or something. But I’m not doing that anymore.

Corresponds to generally recognizing abundance rather than lack. Focus on what I have rather than don’t have.

One of my resolutions is to be more up front and honest about my feelings, and just in meeting men in general, with ‘rejection’ being written out of my vocabulary.

It no longer exists, because if someone doesn’t want to invest the energy in me, it leaves space for someone even better, or for me to do things that are better for myself.

Lately I’ve been reminded (a few times) that many men from my past still think of me in (mostly) a sexual way, and will probably not move (much) beyond that. I used to really get annoyed at this, and either angrily resent it, or else try to ‘make’ them see me, but now I just accept it, and enjoy the fact that they at least think I’m kinda sexy! (this is in a safe way as the people I’m thinking of are far away and I don’t see them or contact them often).

I need to accept that, while working at finding a man conscious enough to see be as beautiful both in and out of bed, for real, AND to want to be there for me, for real.

On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself, have a flirt or fling here and there with no drama – none of my OWN drama. Nevermind theirs, I can handle that, depending on the situation, but it’s my own I have to leave behind.

Never mind what other people think, maybe just recognizing what I need to do to love myself is all I can do. This is really the only way.

i’m playing it safe with both, just getting to know them a little. it’s been really nice. i feel they respect me. the first one i don’t even want really anymore, now that i’ve gotten to know him! i find that kind of funny. he is sweet, though.

then the other we have gotten together. he has complemented me and been more publicly affectionate than my ex ever did! he really could offer me what i need…if he wants me in the end. for now going slow feels damn good. we are respecting each other’s space in all ways, yet we appreciate and support each other. it’s quite nice. i don’t even know if it will go much past a friendship, and at this point i don’t really care. i like him in my life and i think he likes me in his.

last night we finally broke the ice, in a way, and went out for beers, just the two of us, on the drive. this was the first time we’d actually spent time together like this and it was lovely. i was attracted to him the whole time, but it’s nothing i can’t negate. the warm-fuzzies ARE still there, but i feel more grounded about the whole thing.

so the conversation was mostly good, and at times only mediocre, but see this doesn’t matter: there is something about his presence that i like. never mind what we talk about, per se, i just like BEING with him. that’s the other level that i can’t really put my finger on. i think our body language was pretty telling, and he wants to hang out again. however, he is still generally clueless in some ways, and not particularly ready for a big romance. this is OK. things will either happen naturally or not, but they will happen slowly, if at all. that’s the point. i think he does feel relaxed around me, but hes getting much more relaxed the more we hang out.

i’m going to try to avoid him at work i think. not in a bad way, just so that we don’t get carried away by being around each other too much. keeping my distance is playing it safe. this is in part because i get so distracted when i’m around him!

in addition, a new potential is on the horizon, someone who i spoke with late friday night for two hours, and we had a great conversation. i’d met him once in person and thought he was very hot, and also very sweet, and we’ve been in sort of facebook contact. anyhow i got a little bit tingly by the end of that phone convo.

with both i’ll have to play it safe, but i really want to jump them!! i’m wondering how long that will take, if it happens, and who would make the first move. i hope it’s (one of) them! it feels so good to have potentials that i’m genuinely attracted to, and didn’t meet online!!!

I had already chose to not let anything happen between me and this co-worker. We hung out a few times, in social settings, and there was definitely chemistry, but I had already chosen to hold off. I had made that decision, but sitll with a little twinkle of hope that maybe he’d want me all the same.

Then something happened (not between us) that made us have to talk about it. Surprisingly, he initiated the ‘we have to just be friends’ conversation. It was actually a great conversation, showed me that he respects me, and we were both relieved about establishing that it couldn’t go any further.

There are other reasons besides the coworker thing, and this is a smart decision for us both. However, I still feel rejected a little. It’s like I was hoping that he would still want to pursue something because maybe he felt strongly enough even though we work together. The warm fuzzies of the ‘crush’ are gone, along with the thoughts that I could be good for him. But at the same time I’m forced to be realistic about things now, forced to establish some sense of a real friendship without silly fantasies.

I always fall for these flakey boys who don’t know what they want. They are attracted and we do a little flirty dance and then they don’t want me in the end, whether we get together or not. It’s a pattern of mine.

So we are ‘friends’, now, however I’m still attracted to him and I have to be careful with that. Plus I’ve been thinking about him too much and it’s getting a bit rediculous; I KNOW he doesn’t think about me that much. I KNOW I have to mentally disengage and put him in the ‘friend’ category, people who you party with once a month or something.

One of the good things is that I see him as a real, flawed person now. I’m no longer idealizing him, or the possibility of an ‘us’. I know he’s not ‘into’ me enough to bother initiating things, even casually hanging out. Well, actually he did this the other day, and probably will again sometime.

I suppose I have to look at my previous entry; we still have a nice chance to get to know each other for real, and that is what I want in my life. I’ll take a real friendship over an ego-based fling anyday. Hey, in looking at that entry I feel better: nothing has changed! We are still in the same place, and I never compromised myself or misconstrued my intentions. I should feel proud of myself for that. I really am empowered by doing that!

“Close the front door
Take your shoes off
Trade your wanderlust
For my little bitty fire
‘Cause I’ve been waiting
For you to remember me
It’s a harsh world
It sure can be a cold place
If you don’t have someone to kiss your face
When it doesn’t make sense
Theres a whole lot of reasons
To keep yourself far away
If we call on the angel of love dimension
I wonder what they’d say…”

“Souvenir” – by Ferron

Okay, so I have this feeling about this person on a level that I haven’t had in a long time. I feel all warm and fuzzy after chatting with them, even just for a few minutes: he brightens my day! It also took me a few times of chatting to realize that he is really hot, which is something that hasn’t happened to me in quite a while, and means it’s more than just a ‘lust’ thing. I’m pretty sure the sparks (on some level) are mutual.

But there are reasons why we can’t be together right now. In fact, I’m not even sure he’s aware enough of the ‘spark’ to understand how deep it is/could be. I mean, he must ‘know’ on some level, but I’m not so sure he would be mature enough to really go for it. SO, what I’m doing right now is enjoying the (still very undeveloped) friendship. I also don’t want to be the instigator. If he is ever ready he has to come to me.

I think he’s so lovely, and respect him (despite some imperfections) enough that I’m going to be patient and enjoy being together and not worry about the rest. And if nothing romantic comes of it I will be fine with that. AND by not making any moves/saying no if something does happen, I’m showing him that i respect myself, too. This is a big deal, and also allows me to remain empowered. In some situations a casual fling might be fine right now, but not this particular context (we work together).

It just FEELS nice to have this potential, this new person around work who I feel COMFORTABLE and ALIVE around. I love bugging him too – I don’t know why I just take the piss out of him every chance I get.

I think maybe his interactions with women are pretty ego-based and that is OK; I’m like that too sometimes. He seems like he’s not ready to settle – well, neither am I, in some ways. Our mutual friend discouraged me about this, for good reasons that he listed; but the thing about that is that he doesn’t know me very well. For instance, he seems to think I wouldn’t want to be with someone who travels/works alot (which, actually, I don’t think I’d mind that much).

Anyways, I don’t even need to think about that right now because nothing is ‘happening,’ but this is in a good way! We can get to know each other a little, in real life!

what ever happened to harmless flirting? i guess i have the odd person who this happens with, but not really.

i want some harmless flirting. or some harmless making out. my life feels pretty empty on all of these counts.

it’s not like i ‘need’ it to justfiy my attractiveness or anything. i need that sort of intimacy/attention, as a human, not in any big crazy way.

why is it so hard to even find a moment of this?

sometimes i spend too much time wondering who ‘might’ love me, or who i ‘might’ love soon. then i wait. but when i stop worrying like this i’m much more capable of just being a loving being, from the inside.

easy to say, hard to do. practice is needed. perfection is impossible.

my old relationship is over, and on bad days, i’m sad. but on good days, i still feel as if it was a love experience of sorts, that i was proud of myself for opening up and giving what i could. i truly believe that he just wasn’t ready, and don’t resent him at all. it is hard to find love here…maybe that makes me ‘too’ grateful when i find something remotely close.

at any rate, i am finally crushing on someone new (the feelings are somewhat out of the blue) and it feels good. i want to be friends with this person, first and foremost, but the thought of getting together with him doesn’t freak me out (quite the opposite). this is a good sign!

i wish, though, that more were open to friendship or friendly love that would grow into something more. i have such a hard time letting that develop naturally. it takes time.

after having read other people’s entries, i am inspired to write a list of things i love doing, the small pleasures, which i will share with another someday.

a friend gave me a grateful journal for christmas, and this is a perfect exercise. thanks everyone!