quit drinking

I’m a rotten mother. My 13-year-old kid was out riding his bike around the neighborhood with neighbor boys he’s not supposed to be with at all. They had his airsoft guns, too. But all I wanted to do was sit and drink. I am going to have to face the fact that he needs guidance and support even after my traditional 3:30 or 4pm happy hour. Both of my boys do. I need to face my responsibilities as a parent and quit hiding from things. I am shy and have a hard time talking with other parents. I need to talk to those boys’ mother to see how we can work this out.

Today I want to go to an AA meeting. I want to go every day this week. I’ve simply got to quit.

I imagined you were pate’
But that was bate’
The doc says you’re dandy
So let’s have a brandy

or

Liver, organ great
Faithful servant of a lush
Long may you filter

As much as I fear it, today is the day I make an appointment with the doctor to see if I have any liver damage yet. I think they can tell, can’t they? It’s time for the annual physical anyway.

Has anybody tried Moderation Management? I’m interested.

Thanks.

Well, I’m hungover again. I feel like crap and I’m in a terrible mood and I’ve been impatient with my family today. Yet at 3:51 in the afternoon, I’m getting ready to pour myself a nice brandy and coke. It’s cold and refreshing, and I get that nice warm feeling in my throat. I soon won’t care so much about all my inconsistencies and neuroses and ennui. This is a daily habit for the most part. I have quit so many times before…a week here, a month there, a summer here, one night here and there. It comes back every time. That feeling of giving in to despair over the seemingly endless number of mundane days ahead.

But there’s a lot of reasons to quit! I want those other things on my list…especially the good parent part. My two kids worry about me and hover around when I’m feeling like this. I want to be the mom that reads to them every night, has firm boundaries, a consistent method of positive reinforcement, all those things. I know when I drink I am not capable of doing that.

I have a very good life. I have not lost a job or driven my car up a tree or punched anybody (lately)...but I go to bed about 7:30 or 8 every night. Hardly anybody knows that I drink, but of course my family does. I only drink in the late afternoon, but it’s usually 3 big drinks and I’m gone.

I must be hiding. I must be scared. I must feel inadequate. What can I do to overcome this scaredy-cat habit?