beat social anxiety

My anxiety has improved dramatically since I stopped casually doing drugs.
However, it still lurks waiting to pounce on me at parties and in lectures.

still losing.
This thing is going to ruin me :(

Seeing things like this, that I know I’d benefit from and adore immensely, make me very, very sad…because obviously they’d need an interview, obviously it would be tough and obviously I’d have to be super outgoing.

I have an upcoming interview at university and honestly I have no idea how I am going to get through it.
Interviews are what I am most scared of within this stupid phobia.
I highly doubt that my doctor will give me benzodiazepines so I will have to resort to drugs or drink. That is, cocaine or vodka. Which would work best do you think?

I stopped taking the meds, because none of them FUCKING WORKED.
I bought Paul Mckenna’s Instant Confidence shabang (don’t laugh, we’re not in a position to laugh at others are we?) and…it seems to be working. I’m even considering doing a job interview, and I no longer feel like I have a great sack of shit on my head.

I went to the doctor’s AGAIN and it was less difficult, with him speaking English and all. He was a much more obliging doctor, so don’t let my one bad experience put you off making a trip to the doctor’s!
He advised me to see a counsellor and put me on a dose of Seroxat. Phew.

Today’s activities went pretty well, and I actually kind of enjoyed shopping alone.
The only problem was my over apologetic self freaking out about eye contact while talking to the person I was sent to see. Urgh, it’s so awkward. I never know where to look when I’m not looking at them, or how long to look at them for. I’m sure I looked like a crack addict.

I got bullied while I was with my mother today, it was embarrassing. I think bullying is the cause for my social anxiety because I got the familiar lightheadedness & feeling like I’m going to faint.
So, by that logic I can never rid myself of this until I leave this place. Which won’t be for a good long time.

I applied for a job today, and I have no idea how I’m going to get through the interview…really.

Through help of a certain friend (who resides in the Japanese countryside), Gala Darling and my own realisation that I am otherwise fucked, I have decided to take it upon myself to try and rid myself of as much anxiety as possible seeing as though the NHS don’t seem particularly willing to help.
I was considering getting an assesment from The Priory, which is private medical care (I’d have to pay for it and sort it all out = scary) but it’s just too overwhelming.

Today I went for a walk with a friend who I might feel anxious around (as I feel anxious around everyone but my boyfriend), I didn’t really think about it and just went with it. I didn’t even really have to think about conversation too much. It was unawkward and raised my spirits. So, yay!

Tomorrow I’m going to try going to my local town alone, I have an appointment at the job centre and I would really rather go with someone but I’m not sure whether I should make myself go alone.

I actually got to the doctor’s, managed not to panic too much, handed him the impromptu note I’d written. It really wasn’t a pleasant experience.
The doctor spoke bad English. He suggested counselling as I was ‘too young to go on medication’.
What kind of ass logic is that? Okay, so you have problems with talking to people, I’m going to send you to a counsellor so you can TALK about your problems. It’s like punishment!
Needless to say I left the room feeling worse than when I went in.
It was suggested that I should pay and get a psychometric assesment from The Priory (a medical organisation in Britain which deals with mental health), which would probably be a good idea but I have no idea where the nearest clinic is, I can’t really afford to pay, I can’t get there and I’m much too nervous to organise it.
I’m going to try going to another doctor, which means suffering through those waiting room nerves again. :(

Okay, seeing as I can’t ignore this (I tried, went to an interview and had what I thought to be a panic attack) I’m going to have to face it head on. Well, almost. If I don’t fix this it will impede on the rest of my life, or what little life I do have. Journalists can’t have social anxiety. It just doesn’t happen.
When my boyfriend stays at my house next, I will book a doctor’s appointment, or get him to…
Gosh, I’m scared :(