Give God All of Me

He really does love me so much… he blesses me so unexpectedly and so overwhelmingly…

It is so much to try to take in…

I SO don’t come anywhere near this.

I don’t even think I’m coming closer.

the glimpse of a rainbow again yesterday.

His use of rainbows to reassure me with respect to a very specific situation in my life is just incredible. It has been at least 4 times now.

I know I shouldn’t need such ‘realness’ in order to give things over to God, but clearly he cares enough to help me out a bit at times.

that I am ‘giving’ over my mind to Him, as opposed to Him gently taking it in a way to protect me.

Something is happening, and I don’t know how to explain it.

I just pray it is good… it feels like it is, but I don’t know about trusting feelings. Because in the opposing moments… those so unlike the peace of the now in which I write this, my mind is stretched beyond anything it has known. And I am very concerned it is bordering on being stretched too far.

screaming, or crying, or something… as if that would help me get rid of whatever is creating chaos inside me.

Instead, nothing happens, and I feel a restlessness I can’t begin to describe. I want to get rid of everything. At this point, I could even give up photos and letters… the most precious possessions.

What can this possibly mean? While it seems like letting go, I think it might be the opposite. A most severe thought of self-punishment instead of turning anything over to God.

I need to allow myself to truly need Him…

There is so much love, and joy, and beauty. And I just can’t seem to accept that it is o.k. that any of it be for me.

But seeing, and touching, and believing it is there, and knowing that it is only myself who keeps it just out of my reach is becoming far to painful to endure… I have to find how to allow it… I have to surrender…

It is terrifying not to know how, knowing full well it should be the simplest of things to do.

You feel like you do with this because you don’t know. Not knowing has always been the curse of death to you. The thing is, you do understand that there are some things that you will never know. And once you know that to be true, you seem to be o.k. with it. Where you get stuck is in the areas where there is a chance. Where there is hope. And you hold back or give up because you are too scared. You give others too much power. Which is weird, since you’ve seen that you can take anger. You’ve seen that you can separate that reaction is not about (or all about) you.

Just be patient.

Let go. Give it to God.
Pray.

Stop pushing Him away.
He’s on your side. Let Him be there.

He will show you how it all makes sense.

Hope. Trust. Believe.

I wish I could surrender the feelings of ‘not being enough’.

I feel like I’m being swallowed alive.
Shame must be the most powerful feeling of all.

But God is more powerful than shame!
Why has that not yet been enough?

I’m glad God waits for me when I can’t see beyond my own pain.

I thought about how he was waiting for me yesterday. I knew he was the comfort I needed, but I didn’t know how to go about it. You’d think that awareness itself would bring me to give it to him.

But there is resistance…

have more of me than ever.

And it does feel good.

it is now.

What can I say. There really is nothing to say.

There can come a point where there are no words.

It is just me and God.
Clearly, only he can show me the way.

He gives us others to love and support us, but I wouldn’t even know where to start in seeking such comfort. And that is likely what he wants to teach me… not to always lean on others. Sometimes it is only up to him.

And that in itself is incredibly comforting during this time that has to be the most confusing that I have ever experienced.

It is not up to me to fix it.