admit what I really want

him to understand that this just isn’t going to work.

to be with someone who wants to know my heart. I know this is what everyone wants, whether they realize it or not.

My mom called last night, to share something that had her worked up in her life. We talked 10 minutes or so, I asked her further questions, and then we were done. As normal, she didn’t ask a thing about me. She called back 5 minutes later to do the same. This time I started to cry, but didn’t let her know. I felt so incredibly lonely. I asked her more things about this new issue, and then we were done.

It has always been this way. I only realized recently that I have always been the ‘mother’ emotionally.

I feel a similar loneliness with my boyfriend. He loves me so much, and is so incredibly considerate, but most of our communication reminds me of my relationship with my mom. It feels empty.

I don’t know what to do. They are who they are. Sadly, their own hearts haven’t been known by anyone. I understand that means that they don’t have the skills to know how to care about my heart.

And I just don’t know if I have it in me to be the one to reach to theirs’, when mine feels the way that it does. And that makes me feel like quite a failure.

I have close friendships where I am known, and this is what saves me. But when it comes to family and my close primary relationship, it just hasn’t worked out the same. And I feel more whole alone, with God, than with someone where my heart longs for so much more.

And admitting this makes my friends so sad.

who is not the best with big change, I was hesitant to admit this too publicly (or even to myself).

But I was pretty sure I wanted to transfer to a new job.

And when I was finalized today, it was clear this really WAS something I wanted. I was pretty excited when I hung up the phone after finding out, and someone commented that my smile never left my face all afternoon.

Unfortunately that will change to tears too… after 10 years, many of my colleagues are like family to me (in fact, I started working where I currently am only a few months after my real family left and moved thousands of miles away).

I start July 28th. It will be very new. But I like challenge. And location-wise, it is just next door to where I currently am.

I could open up about everything on here… just pour it all out at once.

But I just can’t.

Bits come out in my writing, and bits come out with friends, but a time to just fall apart with it all released at once sounds so liberating…

whatever is to come, to be here, with respect to work.

I have never experienced anything like what I have been going through. I sometimes have to remind myself that it is NOT a dream (or, more accurately, a nightmare). It IS real.

There has been SO much misunderstanding that a few weeks ago I just gave up trying to sort it out. I would have had to point out certain things about certain people, and I just didn’t feel up to doing it. Since there were already other reasons I felt it might be time for a change, I just let it all go, but it sure hasn’t been easy.

I’ve worked where I currently am for 10 years, so it will be a sad time. But I’m also looking forward to the new opportunity that continues to unfold. Hopefully it works out.

I’d like to understand the language spoken with our eyes.

What is it that attracts us to the eyes of certain strangers? What are we seeing of their story? Why are we, at some level, wanting to know it? Do they have answers that we don’t? But doesn’t everyone? Maybe they have bigger answers/lessons they could teach.

And do some people have eyes that no one would be interested in, and others eyes that everyone would see something in? Do eyes all intrigue in equal proportion???

In writing this, I think back to that one time I even experienced it with a young child. She was around 2 years old.

I know the saying that ‘the eyes are the window to the soul’.

And I suspect I should just leave this, and accept it is just one of the mysterious beauties of life.

But I like to think about it too.
And, I wonder if others do to. And if not, how do they keep their minds simpler and avoid such explainless phenomenon.

to know why I leave cupboard, drawers, and closet doors open!

I don’t realize I am doing it, and have done it for as long as I can remember.

It confuses me to no end!

It is like a most primitive form of acting out or something… rebellion of some sort???

And sometimes I’ll close one and not another right beside it… there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to what I do with this!!!

to know how to talk with my mom.

I accept we likely can’t have a beautifully connecting mother/daughter relationship. I’m sure I would love that, but I’ve never had it, don’t need it, and had certainly better not wait around for it.

I love her, and would like to continue to talk with her once or twice weekly. But I am having immense difficulty with how hard she can be on others. Especially my brother-in-law and his daughter.

It is not right for me to listen to her talk the way she does. And even though I do respond, I know I haven’t found the right words yet. It keeps happening.

We are to build people up, not tear them down.

Especially a six-year old! I mean, I know she doesn’t says these things to her in person, but I know without a doubt that she will feel this frustration and disappointment. I imagine exactly what I would have experienced growing up. Why can she not see that she is just a child???

I wish my mom could learn to grieve the fact that there is no perfect. That things are as they are meant to be. Because, without this, it seems like everything is about frustration, disappointment and fear.

And I suppose I should consider if I am really much different.
I will look deeply at what I have written here for myself as well. I know what we say to others usually has deep meaning in our own personal lives.

But regardless of any similarities there may be, it doesn’t change the fact that there is something I need to do in this relationship. I’m just not sure what it is.

+

I’ve decided there is good even in this. Although it is really slow-coming, it allows me a little more compassion with myself.

The fact is growing up with the pressure of keeping mom happy is too much for any child to bear, since a child can’t understand that that is impossible.
And not their responsibility.

I just want to know what to do. I have to stop wanting this.
Fighting for it makes it all worse.

I don’t know what to tell him. We’re just friends… we’re just getting to know each other, but it is very special. I don’t want to be leading him on. I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m sure that is just as much about me not wanting to be hurt. I can’t even bear to think how much I’ve likely already hurt so many people.

I have been completely honest with anything we have talked about, but I imagine he can still see there is great protective layer there too. And just how do you know when and how to explain that? Surely he deserves to understand so that he can make his own decisions to protect himself…

to hear with my eyes, and see with my ears.

I miss so much. I know I can’t begin to imagine all this would bring.