record my dreams

It had been awhile since a dream seemed poignant and important enough to merit writing it down even if it was the middle of the night.

Tonight was the night. Although perhaps I could have waited until morning, as I am still ‘feeling’ the dream in my body.

(The fear of moving because of the painful/irritating thorns).

It was quite the telling dream.

A very thought-provoking one…

I was crossing a front lawn, which was covered with snow almost as high as my height. I was surprised at how much it compacted as I took a few steps. But then the snow started closing in around me. I didn’t panic… I was quite stuck, but was still standing and my head was still uncovered (and I guess my arms too). But as I started to work to push the snow away, I fell backwards, and was now laying completely covered by it, including my face. I somehow did manage to clear a breathing hole, and realized I’d have to yell for help (something I could have done while I was stuck while still standing but had opted not to do).

I had no idea I was feeling this trapped (and stubborn/self-reliant) in some area of my life…

For the last while I’ve been having fairly vivid and intense dreams night. It is so tiring. It takes quite some time each morning to adjust afterwards.

I hope it is just a result of all the newness in my life, and not an indication of my level of sanity.

last night was quite horrific. At least to me. I’m not sure others would find it so at all. (An animal was to die, but in the end it actually did not. But the thought of the ‘how’ was horrific (even if impossible in reality…)).

I did decide to write it down, but at least for now can’t bear the thought of writing it here. Although it is is the type where it would be very hard to pull anything from it meaning-wise, without some other opinions to help generate some questions, I think.

- I remember a car fire.

- People biking (not me).

- Losing a jacket which had my keys, work pass, and bus pass with it. Two days later, I had none returned (that would be extremely problematic) and I didn’t even remember what the jacket looked like/what colour it was. I guess I was surviving even without these necessities.

the funeral for my grandfather (who passed away 21 years ago).

I was aware of which of his children were, and were not there (only 2 of 5 were there).

Those in attendance were of vast cultural backgrounds.

It was nothing like the real experience. I can’t begin to imagine what it pointing me to.

But the part I remember most vividly was that I was doing some race, and came to the x-country ski portion. Most people had already left, and someone had taken my poles!!! (I think I did find another pair to use, and was passing a lot of people).

VERY strange. X-country skiing????

In two of my dreams I was absolutely exhausted. The harder one being the one where I was trying to walk, but it was SO hard. If I would turn and walk backward (still heading in the direction I wanted to go) it was easier. But each step in walking forward ‘normally’ was a tremendous effort.

Right from when I was a child, dreams where I have trouble with movement, in whatever way, have been very troublesome to me.

What is interesting is that I actually feel better with where things are in my ‘awake life’. But I think subconsciously there is still a lot to overcome of the past. And thinking about some of it DOES make me tired. I think because I wonder why I allowed it in the first place.

AND several tornadoes (in separate dreams).

Not good…

I floated upwards quite high in my dream last night. Higher than I ever remember. To be honest, I think I was a bit afraid of not coming down again, because when I briefly did, I tried to drag my heels to slow the ascent back up. But I ended up even higher. The momentum was too strong.

In another segment, I ordered some pineapple for breakfast. Boring, but interesting. Not something I’d ever ‘really’ do, so it means something else.

But that sensation of being so high… it is one of those dream moments that I believe may never leave me. I wonder why it was not as peaceful as the time I was shot (killed) in my dream. That was completely peaceful and beautiful.

But this was somewhat anxious. Perhaps because it wasn’t ‘over’. It wouldn’t be eternal.