recover from a broken heart

Well I admit that my heart is mending, but it is far from healed….

It has almost been a year and a half…still I do not think that Mike has ever been further that 30 minutes from my mind.

I keep praying and I keep having faith in him….

Wednesday the phone range. The first time since he left with out an unexplaination…..it was him. He talked for 15 minutes, I listened. I have never been very good at that. I asked him how his life was and he said it is slugging along. He then told me that he was working on building a garage and had bought a piece of property to put his shop on. I listened very carefully. See those were the two things that I had concerns about. One that there was no garage to park my car and he doesn’t live in the worlds best neighborhood and secondly I wished he would move his shop out tof the living room. Mind you he had another living room, the house is 5000 square foot. But I guess I just wanted the shop to be in a shop not in the house…. He would never give on those two things. Said there was no room for a garage and that he liked the shop in the house. So we bought the lot to build our own house on. Then I finally made a decision to start on the house and he was gone that same day. If I had just listened then…really listened to him. I would have realized he really never could give up that house. So here he is 10 months later…building a garage where he said it was impossible to build it and moving the shop out of the house…after 24 years.

......and…..

then he said “he wouldn’t be unopposed to going to have sushi”.

I told him I was very busy but that ususally on Tuesday and Wednesday I have a little more free time…and that maybe next week I would have time. He said okay, I said great give me a call, he said he would and I hung up….

I so wanted to say can we do it tomorrow. But I refrained and let him have the ball in his court. I mean really I have waited this long what is a little longer. I think it will take him longer than 1 week. But you never know.

All I know is I have FAITH in him. I think he has been working on the things that he needed to….

Yep…my heart is still broken it has been 16 months…and mu first thought is still WHY???

I went to eat sushi the other day and the girl that used to wait on Mike and I told me.. he was there by himself eating and looking sad…I asked her what day it was and she she told me… It was his birthday. He was all alone eating at our restaurant on his birthday it was the 4th of July. I thought of him all day that day. I so wanted to call him but I didn’t. It made me sad that he is so obstinate….

So my saga continues…..

Maybe some day I will be okay.

Still broken….

I think it will never heal…..

I am reading the Shack and well I think it has helped to put some perspective on life and my relationship with others.

I hold them up to the same standards I have and the problem with that is that never everyone cares if they hurt other people or the rmaifications that their actions can cause….

Ugh!!! When will the pain go away….

Here I am a year out of that relationship ..and yes my heart still only beats for him…

How do I ever recover..I try and go about my life, make myself happy and work on me…but always he is in he back of my mind…where he is what he is doing? Why did he leave…for a life that is solitary and alone… Why does his family keep in contact with me and want me to know that they love me. It’s as if they hope he will snap out his self imposed exile…

I just want my life that I had back…ugh!!! it will never happen….but I want it anyway…

I got a letter from Mike’s dad today….telling me what a wonderful person I am..how his son does not hate me…but he is upset that I continue to have a relationship with his dad..

I suppose it is hard for him to understand that he left me and that his family still has hope that he will get his act together and wants to keep me close and hopes he will get his act together. But he won’t and he never will….I haev come to accept this. But his dad would like to continue our friendship and well I want to. Maybe just so I can keep those memories of Mike close….

It all sucks….My heart is still so broken….and I fear it will never completely heal.

It has been a year toay…that Mike left and my heart is still so borken, I think I never will be able to get over him…

All I want for him is to say it is okay it is going to be all right…and hold me….

I so wish that a year later, that my heart was still not broken but it is…every so…

More than anything I want that feeling back and I want my life back…but most of all I want to stop hurting, want to stop thinking about my loss…

I’m getting there…I had it out with Mike and he was an ass…adn now oh my goodness I can sleep…..three days no waking up at 4 am with my brain going all over…

Yep it is still broken 10 months later…to months of pain 10 months of dreaming about why he won’t come home…..

I got a page letter from Mike’s dad, saying he wanted to talk to me…. I’m not sure what to do….I sent him a Christmas card saying I hoped he was well and that I had heard his health was bad…Now he wants to talk so I suppose I will go along…because selfishly I still love Mike and I want him back…my heart feels less broek everyday but I feel that I am getting better….no crying in a week…that at least is an accomplishment.