Stop venting to people about other people.

I avoided this once (realized my urge was my stress in reaction to her stress), did not avoid this once (ugh…bad nic!!), and did so appropriately once (a concern about a coworker’s work habits that I have tried to discuss directly with her before – even though she works hard and is very well intentioned, there is a concern about it negatively impacting clients, so I spoke to our superior in a constructive way that did not degrade my coworker’s character).

And not quietly enough nor privately enough. My punishment is the regret and embarrassment I feel for making an ass out of myself, because who likes to hear that $#!+?

Must remember to have more class next time.

I was overtalking too much already today, and also feeling kinda pissy about a coworker, so I vented to another coworker who is also a good friend. Not cool. :-( This is a trait I would really like to get rid of. I found myself complaining about people to TripleB a lot this weekend, too. So, I don’t know why I am backsliding on this, but I want to stop. Like I’ve said before, it’s a filthy habit.

It was about one good friend to another. We’re all three very close, and have known each other since we were kids. I had a conversation with one of my friends that made me kind of mad. I did try to stick with my goal, and I talked to her directly about my feelings first. We only sort of resolved things. It would be counterproductive to reopen the conversation, and I was still stewing on it, so I called a third friend that is very close to both of us and shared my frustration with her. She pointed out a couple of things:

1) The friend I had the problem with is going through a very stressful time right now.
2) The friend I had the problem with sometimes reacts to stress by picking fights.
3) I don’t react to stress like that, so I don’t understand it and can be overly sensitive about that kind of thing, and that’s why I stew on it.
4) I really need to see that it’s about her, not me, and get over it.

I felt better after talking to her. I don’t really count this conversation as violating this goal, because I did try to talk about it with my friend directly first, and the person I chose to vent to loves us both equally and I knew she would never see the other person as a villain. That’s why I chose her to get feedback and insights. I think that was OK.

Not always. But for example, recently at work I vented to two people about a frustrating conversation with a third coworker. Afterwards I felt like crap about it. If I felt that irritated by it, enough to vent, I should tell her directly. It also reflects badly on me. I don’t want to be someone who talks behind other peoples’ backs.

It was eating away at me, so I decided the only way to resolve it would be to let her know and apologize. So I did. I said, “I owe you an apology. I was really frustrated with our conversation the other day, and instead of telling you I vented to R. and S. about it.” She was very gracious and said, “Hey, we all need to vent sometimes. No hard feelings.”

I felt a lot better afterwards. I consider myself to be an ethical person, but talking behind peoples’ backs is not very ethical. Not saying that sometimes you don’t need to vent, or get feedback from other people, or whatnot. But I don’t think I always do it as judiciously as I should. I am trying to stop myself and evaluate whether it’s an appropriate time to talk to someone else about a third person – am I really getting feedback? Have I tried to solve this issue with the person directly if possible? Or am I simply badmouthing someone?

Must stop. I think it’s filthy habit.