Some people may slag this off as superficial but as someone who has struggled with BDD, my appearance undermines any semblance of confidence I may have. I have struggled with ED in the past and have seemingly recovered (if recovery means put on weight and made a promise to my SO that I would keep on the straight and narrow) but I can never shake the psychological effects of the disorder. I don’t know how how it feels to not think about my weight every 5 minutes or to accept my body for what it is. And the thing is, I know how easy it is to lose weight-there’s no real challenge…except for the horrifying emotional effects. So, weight is my number one concern. I don’t know how much I weigh b.c. the beau and I don’t own a scale. I am thinking I am 135, though, which is terrifying for me. This time 2 years ago was when I was hospitalized and as much as nothing’s worth going back to that low point…I would die to be that thin and in control again. This time last year I was probably 125. But the differences between last year and this year are numerous. I am jobless, I graduated school in the Spring, I am now living 3,000 miles from home and from friends. I know no one and I struggle daily with my new culture. I have a new boyfriend (he’s amazing) and we are incredibly serious. I have no job prospects and have been rejected so many times just in the last couple of months I want to crawl into the deepest hole and never come out. Also, I cut all my hair off because it was damaged…big mistake. I have no piercings in my face and I hide my tattoos from everyone I meet because apparently here, tattoos communicate something entirely different and quite frankly I don’t have the confidence to feel that exposed.
My life is not my own, or so it feels.
It all makes sense why I would want my ED back…It’s all about security and control right? Intro to psych-the fundamentals of the human psyche or some shit. But given enough space, I would gladly and easily relapse because when you have an ED, it’s not hard—and that’s terrifying because it could cost me the one thing I seem to have going for me-the man I love.
Dammit.
Fuck. Shit.
I hope I can look back on this in a couple of months and think, “glad that is in the past”
