Have a completely different life by this time next year

now. My boyfriend proposed last night. Turns out he has been planning this for weeks. Tentatively we are planning to get married on our 10th anniversary. It was quite a surprise.

I called him in the morning like a usually do and wished him a happy anniversary and we chatted for a bit.

We don’t make a big deal out of anniversaries or things like that and usually don’t exchange gifts. Sometimes we go to dinner or something like that. I bought him a gushy card and left it on his night table so he would find it when got home. He got home after me and brought me a bouquet of long stemmed red roses – totally unexpected and very much appreciated.

Things have continued to improve. I am feeling much better about this goal.

12 months since I set this goal and my life is only a little different then it was last year. I have identified some things that are lacking and am working on ways to repair them and resolve them. I wish it was easier. I wish I was better at this. I am frustrated but determined to have a better life and be as happy as I can possibly be.

I have seen my counselor 4 times now. She has told me I need to be more assertive with others, especially the BF. Very tough for me as assertiveness is not a strong suit.

A huge pet peeve of mine is when the BF just leaves his dirty laundry on the floor. We have a laundry hamper in the bedroom and it used to be right next to the master bathroom door. I moved it a few weeks ago to his side of the bed and told him I was moving it so it would be easier for him to put his laundry in the hamper. Well, he is pretty much refusing to do this. He leaves his dirty laundry on the floor within a couple feet of the hamper. I asked him the other night if he could please put his laundry in the hamper. He accused me of “busting his balls” over it. At that point I knew arguing was not going to get me anywhere with him, threw my hands up in the air, uttered a “whatever” and walked away. It’s not like I am nagging him day in and day out to pick up his laundry. I’ve asked twice in the few weeks that the hamper has been moved. I know it’s not a big thing in the whole scheme of things but it is important to me. I do a majority of the laundry that is done in our home and it makes it easier for me to do the laundry if it’s in the hamper. Plus, it is a little more aesthetically pleasing for the laundry to be in the hamper then on the floor. A friend suggested that I only do his laundry that ends up in the hamper. I may try this or I may not – haven’t decided. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t give a shit. I did laundry Monday and left it in the dryer. He pulled only his laundry out and left my 3 small items in there. Unbelievable.

This by no means is the only issue we have – there are so many more. He pulled a passive aggressive move with my son last night. He did not want him walking through the garage so rather than coming right out and asking him not to walk through the garage because there is so much stuff in the walkway, he closes the garage door so he cannot walk through the garage. I ask him why’d ya close the door and he says so my son wont walk through. I then tell him that maybe next time he could ask my son to go around. It goes in one ear and out the other. He wont say anything so it will be left up to me to say something to my son about something that I don’t have a problem with. Later on my son is helping me with dinner and he made the caesar salad. The BF saw him helping me with dinner and making the salad. So when it was time to dish up he avoided the salad. Said he would come back later to get some if he was still hungry but he did not take any. He’s done this before – where he will avoid something that my son has made (he’s almost 16 and always washes his hands before helping me). I don’t get it.

All this being said I know we will never be a family like I want us to be. I am so frustrated and things like this just make me more so.

On another note, I don’t expect he will go to see a counselor on his own. He is just not interested and doesn’t feel he has a problem (hmmm – although he thinks he has OCD & ADD and he’s failed to commit even after almost 9 years together)

My counselor told me I needed to talk to him about my desire to have a baby. I have told him before and he is just not there yet. My clock’s ticking (he’s almost 4 years younger then me) and I want to do this soon. I’m dreading bringing it up because I know what he is going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I know bringing a baby into this situation is not the best thing to do, but I love being a mom. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this place. It all started out so good. Things didn’t used to be like this.

week. I am happy I did it. The first session went well and was very eye opening. I told the bf I was going and he thought it was a good idea. I have taken the first step and now for the tough part but it’s been a long time coming and I am glad that I did it. :o)

it has been quite interesting. I have also found a couple psychologists near me that I am going to call. It’s a start. In reading this book it has opened my eyes about the way I do things and the way I cope with things in my life and the way I just keep sweeping things under the rug and hope they will change on their own. I know they wont. I have to be an active participant in my life and make the changes that need to be made.

recently called “Living the Truth” by Dr. Keith Ablow. I’m not far into it but so far it has been an interesting read. It has to do with coming to grips with unresolved stuff in your past to live a better life. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes. I know I have some stuff I need to deal with I just haven’t because it is too painful.

over the weekend to the Olympic Peninsula. It was a long drive and a ferry ride but we had a really great time. We took our dogs with us and took them to the beach on Sunday. Just watching them play on the beach made it all worthwhile. It was a very nice weekend and I’m looking forward to another roadtrip together soon.

better today then I was a couple of days ago. I don’t know why the comments from the BF hit me as hard as they did. It probably has alot to do with so many people asking me recently – “why aren’t we married?”- like there is something wrong with us not being married. We are in a committed, monogomous relationship and we do own property and pets together and I do love him and he loves me. That’s alot more then some people have who are married.

and it’s partly due to an argument we had a couple of days ago. Someone very close to him came out recently and he was going on and on about how he had always hoped this person would get married and have children. I came back with there is no reason he cannot just because he is gay. I know of many gay men who are in committed relationships and have children. The thing that pissed me off the most was that he wanted something for this person that he does not even want in his own relationship and I called him on it and he didn’t even respond. I really need to look into a counselor and soon. I need to talk this crap out with a trained professional and come up with a plan of attack for my future. He’s made it very clear that he does not plan gettng married to me. It makes me very sad.