Own only the clothes and shoes that make me feel great

I bought high heels, purple, in a sale. They’re really lovely but I don’t know if I can really wear these: I’m just not that sort of person.

Having a lot of thoughts about the role of clothes in identity. Clothes are part of how I present myself to other people; I generally present myself as matronly, dowdy, poor posture, tatty clothes, like I don’t care. I want to care, but I also don’t want to buy into the idea that this is what’s important about someone, rather than how they act and interact.

But why should dressing ok make someone a worse person?

Bought a skirt in the Coast sale – black, slinky – for my cousin’s party, with a pair of round-toed wedge-heeled sling backs shoes. Just owning these shoes makes me feel sort of dinky.
Another skirt – strange brown with 1950’s style print. It’s completely different from anything else I’ve ever worn.
So skirts, shoes are going well – more adventurous and lots of fun. Tops are a different matter. I’m two or three sizes bigger in the bust than at waist/hip size and all the tops I can buy are outsized-rectangles. (Apart from the wrap-front lurex glamour I wore to my cousin’s party.) I’m sort of shaped like an inverted triangle.
Still prevaricating about losing weight, giving up smoking and going to the gym. Did cycle a lot at the weekend, but feel soaked in nicotine and unable to breathe. Is my lack of purpose in dealing with these issues linked to husb.’s depression? Wonder what it would be like to feel good about bod., and whether it would all really be as rosy as I paint it.
Am I heading back to therapy, here?

I hadn’t thought of it like that. I’ve been through times where I’ve been (a bit) better dressed and I think I did feel better about myself at those times. I’m not sure which way round the cause works – do I feel better about myself because I treat myself better or do I treat myself better because I’m feeling fine? I have a suspicion that I use my body as an indirect expression of some pretty deep feelings – and that deliberately deciding to be better dressed would make it a chore that I wouldn’t follow up.
Hmmmmm…..

Bought a pair of ordinary black jeans and a black skirt. Great stuff. Wore black jeans with black linen long shirt and felt a million dollars. Wore black jeans with black T shirt and felt great. I think I really like boring clothes and they make me feel like me. I don’t want to wear colour all the time or wear things with frills or bows – I’m a plain and simple gal at heart.
Next purchase: a pair of flat boots, preferably in brown. I can wear them with skirts all winter.

Have worn the tomato trousers until they are soft and floppy. In the wash – back on tomorrow. I love finding clothes that make me feel like me, not like I’m trying to be something I’m not.

I hate wearing clothes in summer. I like to feel the weather on my skin and keep fresh with the breeze. I’m still covering myself up because I feel so fat and uncomfortable with my body. I don’t want to be seen.
There are now so few clothes I fit that I can bear to wear. I feel less and less like myself. Fed up.

I’ve never worn pink, at least not since I had the power to choose (my ma used to dress me like a doll in clothes that didn’t fit body or soul). Then last week I bought a really cheap hot pink T shirt. I wore it today and it looked ok. Felt very strange – breaking all my rules about black with black and red hair.
I threw out two pairs of shoes (recycled) this Saturday and binned a pair of ancient trainers that harboured athlete’s foot. Gross. I want to do this with more of my clothing but it’s a dodgy business. There’s so little I really like wearing. I would end up with nothing to wear.

Fat, ugly, over 40 and a frump.