make real friends

I was finally starting to realize I was being way out of my league. I did NOT fit in with those little cliques always gossiping in the corner. I was looking in all the wrong places. I’m thinking I’m on my way to accomplishing this goal…

Sadly, there’s another part to it. I was getting quite close to this girl I knew. I used to not want to be near her, because she wasn’t really considered the coolest, but I loved talking to her. We had a lot in common. Just when I began to think ‘hey, this might be a REAL friend’ she left without me ever getting a chance to say goodbye. And she’s never coming back. I could tell her things I wouldn’t dare talk about with anyone else. I now know she was my BEST friend and I neglected her. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like her. I feel so bad ignoring her for 75% of the 2 years she’s been in my town, and now she’s gone. It is true when they say you never appreciate what you have until it’s gone.

Well…do. Appreciate everything.

Well, my sister has her friends over again, and I have locked myself in my room AGAIN.

My mom thinks I’m really pathetic and that every single person in my school bullies me.

My sister is having a little luncheon for her debutante friends. I know they’re her real friends, too, because of the laughs they share and how much they have in common and the hours they talk on the telephone together.

When’s the last time I had someone over? (In the 5th grade.)
When’s the last time I went to someone’s house? (I’ll get back to you on this one.)
When’s the last time I went a single day without saying ‘thank you’ or ‘sorry’ to a “friend”? (Never.)
When’s the last time I CALLED SOMEONE to talk, but not to ask for the math homework? (6th grade, I believe.)

I hate that I’m trying so hard to make some real friends. When I’m around people, I always get so nervous and stuttery and don’t know what to say in case they don’t like me. Right now I’m hiding in my room so my sister’s stupid friends don’t ask me any questions. [pathetic!]

Thank God for the internet.