overcome borderline personality disorder

Why is it that society marginalizes people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) as crazy, when what it means if someone has it is that they were abused as a kid. We go to such lengths to protect kids from abuse, but once it happens they’re disposable? I get that we can be emotionally exhausting to be around, but do you know how many people with BPD I have heard have lost all of their friends. It’s sad. I wish people were more thoughtful and nice.

I’m running really low right now. I can’t wait until my appointment with my individual DBT therapist on Wednesday. I need some help now since I just got out of the hospital last week, and got fired on Friday. Life really sux.

I saw the therapist who was doing my assessment for the DBT program at the Hennepin County Mental Health Center on Monday. Missed the first appointment b/c I had the time of the appointment wrong in my calendar, but she put me on her cancel list. Luckily enough she had a cancel at 3pm the same day that I could make it to. It made me feel better about my scheduling slip-up. It went really well. She said I definitely meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and the program, so I just have to wait and see what feedback she gets from the DBT team now. Hopefully I’m in. I’m really struggling right now, and could use the extra support.

I went and visited a couple a friends of mine from college yesterday, after taking my car in for it’s required 15k mile maintainance. They took forever. I was waiting at least an hour and a half. I’m not sure of everything they did, but it does run much better. After that I headed down to their place, which is about a hour south of where I live, on the otherside of the Twin Cities.

Chad and I played some XBox 360, as he wanted help getting coop achievement points. I was no help, but we tried. Next time maybe. After that we went to rent a movie and get supplies to do fondue for dinner.

We settled on the new Harry Potter movie, since I hadn’t seen it yet. At one point while we were looking at movies they showed me a movie that they had considered checking out a couple times, The Bridge. Here’s the synopsis:

Inspired by a New Yorker story, “Jumpers,” written by Tad Friend, director Eric Steel decided to train cameras on the Golden Gate Bridge over the course of 2004 to capture the people who attempted to leap off the famed structure, the site of more suicides than anywhere else in the world. He also tracked down and interviewed the friends, family members, and eyewitnesses to further recreate the events leading up to the incident and to try to explain what led these people to want to kill themselves, especially at this specific site. The documentary’s primary subjects all struggled with mental illness, including severe depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorders, and the documentary struggles to understand their illness while illuminating the anger and hurt of their loved ones. Most questions remain unanswered, turning on the darker recesses of the mind. The shots of the bridge wreathed in fog turn the Golden Gate into a metaphor for a bridge between life and death, sanity and mental disturbance, and extreme isolation and connection with society. Though the camera crew worked with a set of guidelines, including that they would call in someone they thought was going to jump, the documentary still includes lengthy footage of the moments leading up to and including the suicides, so discretion is advised for sensitive viewers.

It really drove home how my struggles with mental health have effected friends and family. I’m trying, but it’s a constant battle. It’s not easy having bipolar disorder, a personality disorder, all on top of transitioning.

I have my DBT orientation in a week, and hopefully kicking that off again will help. I am doing better though. I was seeing my therapist twice a week per her request, but she said that since I’m more stable we are cutting down to once a week. It’s good to see signs of progress.

Ok. Rather than crossposting all the time, I have a feeling most posts related to this goal are going to be under my Learn DBT and Stay out of the hospital goals. So if you’re interested…

Yesterday was my last day in the Partial Hospital Program at HCMC. It was an emotional and hard day. After three weeks with the folks there, it was hard to say good-bye to the bonds that I had made there. I know three weeks doesn’t seem like that long, but I spent 6 1/5 hours every day with them spilling my guts. It gets very intimate; especially with the people in my psychotherapy group. I made a great deal of progress there, but I still have a ton of work to do. They made the observation that they could see a big difference in me now, as opposed to when I started the program, so that’s good. I do feel much more in touch with my emotions. They did say I need to still work on letting my guard down and opening up more though. Note to self…

Now that all the hugs and good-byes are done, I look forward to the next chapter. I start DBT on Thursday, and while I’m looking forward to it, it’s also something new and somewhat anxiety provoking. It’s nice to know that I’m finally in the mist of the road to recovery though, and things don’t seem quite so hopeless any more.

I know this is gonna seem sick, but I can’t wait to go back to work. I haven’t been there since Feb. 2, and I miss it. Projected return to work date is April 18th. I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. Did I mention I can’t wait? :D

I was talking earlier about how I didn’t want to talk about my childhood at the hospital when they wanted me to, and how hard it was. Today in psychotherapy there was someone else who didn’t want to do the same. I don’t know if she has BPD, but some of the comments she was making made it obvious she at least has BPD traits. She was in DBT a few months before coming there, and was saying so many things I was like just last week. She has the same problem of seeing everything in black and white, and approaching everything with an all-or-nothing attitude too. She was like a freakin’ carbon copy of me in so many ways.

She was really dragging her feet on talking about her childhood, and how she didn’t want to since she was afraid of what it would unearth. I made a comment to her. I said you’re here, looking for help, right? Talking about it and dealing is part of the ‘all’. She said that was true, and then said how it sucks that this is my last week. It’s been cool how we can connect with what each of us are dealing with, and it felt nice when she said that.

I have so far to go still, but I guess I’m making more progress than I thought I was. Go me! =)

This happens frequently, and I’m not sure what to do. I call friends, since I like chatting and knowing what is going on in their lives. I hate being alone, so it drives me nuts when friends consistantly don’t answer their phones and/or return calls. The first DSM symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder is “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment”, so I acknowledge that this is a possibilty. I also know that everyone has busy schedules, and it can be a challenge to reach people sometimes, and next to impossible to coordinate our schedules. Am I being paranoid though, when this happens with multiple friends, and it feels like all the time? Everyone knows what’s been happening with me, with the hospitalizations, and always tell me to call any time I need to talk. Why would they say that if they don’t mean it? Is this nothing to worry about, or is it the BPD talking? I hate not knowing if I am overracting, or if I have/am just totally straining my friendships. What do I do? =(