Stay out of the hospital

I just spent another few days in the hospital (May 26-29). I was just discharged this afternoon. I was very lucky to get out so soon, since there were some very serious options on the table. My doctor sent a petition to commit me to the county, and asked me to consider ECT due to the number of hospitalizations lately. I’m a firm no on ECT, and the county screener decided that committal wasn’t warranted. I was so happy this afternoon when I found out that I wouldn’t have to miss the beginning of the summer session. They almost messed up the start of my return to college after 6 years. Whew!

They started me on a different antidepressant. Selegiline, which requires a very specialized diet low in tyramine. It’s very restrictive, which I hate. I guess eating the wrong things could be life threatening. I haven’t decided how committed I am going to be to this new drug, but I think I have to take med compliance more seriously given recent events.

I’ve been in the hospital a few times since my last update here. It can feel really depressing loosing ground like that, but I’m taking it day by day. I was discharged from the hospital April 14th so I’m over five weeks out. I did have a hiccup, and spent a few days at a crisis home a couple weeks ago. At least it kept me out of the hospital though. My mood has been hard to control at times, so my psychatrist increased my Zyprexa to 5mg today. Sleep should be awesome on twice the dose, but I’ll have to watch my weight. I don’t want the Zyprexa leading to diabetes, like it has with so many people. Everyone has my permission to tell me if I’m looking fat. =)

I haven’t been doing a very good job of updating here. I’ve been super depressed, and just have been unable to bring myself to blog anything. I’ve been in hospitals three times since mid October. They’ve been trying a few new things on me.

The first hospital I was at in October was new, and I had the good fortune of getting a trans psychiatrist. What are they chances? I guess my thyroid level was on the outer levels of ok, so she put me on synthroid, and it seems to have made a difference in my mood. There have been a couple different mood stabilizers over the last couple of months. The first one she tried was lithium. After I ended back in the hospital she tried Tegretol, and stopped the lithium.

She also started Geodon at the same time as the Tegretol, to accent my regime. They say that antipsychotics can help with severe depression. Everytime I’m on one though, there’s some unbearable side effect. This time I was having involuntary muscle movement (jaw clenching and teeth chattering) which really freaked me out, since it can become permanent. Even though I wasn’t suicidal for the first time I could remember in like 20 years, I stopped the Geodon. The withdrawal was too much and I landed in a hospital for a third time in a row.

This time the doctor put me on a new med for anxiety (buspar), and started me on a different antipsychotic (Zyprexa) at a very low dose. I’ve been feeling better over all since. My mind is confused by not having suicide as an option, since it was for so many years. Hopefully I adjust soon.

I figure since I’m having a hard time adjusting (even though my mood is better), and I have been in hospitals 3 times in a row I should do something more. I have an intake for a partial hospital program that would last for six weeks. I’m worried it might cost me my job, but I’m not sure what else to do at this point. I need some more help.

I have been feeling so depressed, edgy and irritable lately. Pretty sure the Trileptol didn’t do anything for me. My doctor and I talked about new med options today, and it was between lithium or Depakote. He went with the Depakote. I’ll start with my first dose tonight, and see how things go over the next month, or up to. I see him again in a month. He gave me enough samples until then, and then we’ll review. They kinda look like horse pills. I’m really tired of not feeling good, so I’m ready to try just about anything again. I just really hope that this isn’t a really negative experience with side effects again.

I don’t know why, but I just can’t catch a break when it comes to staying out of the hospital. I started having side effects from the Effexor XR I was taking. You know what it feels like when your foot falls asleep. My brain started tingling like that, and that would turn into headaches sometimes. I wrote it off at first, but it ended up getting so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore.

My doctor started to weaned me off of it, b/c the withdrawl from Effexor really sux. Even with the gradual reduction I still felt fluish symptoms. She didn’t put me on another antidepressant right away, which turned out to be a mistake. She did start me on a mood stabilizer again, since I said that I had been feeling irritable. I probably shouldn’t have been off of one in the first place, but I had been doing okay for sometime now w/o one. She started me on Trileptol.

My mood started to crash after 2-3 weeks. I got so depressed on May 29th I was suicidal, and went into a crisis center. I stayed there for a day, but they decided that I was acute enough that I required hospitalization. I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. The police showed up to escort me there.

I was there for about a week, and while there they started me on Remeron. It made me really tried, and I didn’t really wake up until 3:00pm the next day. Talk about a killer hangover. The doctor promised that my body would adjust to the side effect.

I finally was discharged June 5th. Even though I was really antsy to get back to work, I agreed to go back to a crisis program. I would have agreed to just about anything to get the hell out of there. He wanted me to spend a couple more days there, so they could monitor my meds.

I finally made it back to work the next Monday. I haven’t been with the company a couple months, and I’m out a week. I was worried, but I still have my job. That Monday I was still feeling side effects from the Remeron, but I thought I would be able to fight through it. I actually felt a little drunk though on the drive to work, and that was the end of that. I haven’t taken the med since, and I can tell.

I need to get back on an antidepressent. I’m running out of meds to try, and I’m worried. I have an appointment tomorrow with a different doctor. I’ve actually seen him before. Hopefully he’ll have a good idea.

I quit DBT, and started with a new therapist. I just couldn’t handle all the babble about coping skills any more. I found it was more hurtful than constructive to have someone get me super upset a couple times a week before I had to work. I have only had one appointment with the new therapist, but I really like her so far.

After a week of being on an antidepressant again I feel much better. What worries me is am I feeling too good? I’m not on any mood stabilizer at the moment (since I stopped it at the same time as the antidepressant earlier), so if the previous bipolar II diagnosis was right it’s just a matter of time before the happiness burns out and I crash into another huge depressive episode. So even in happiness I’m cursed…maybe. It’s exhausting having to worry.

So how do I tell if I am having a hypomanic episode? How happy is too happy (I think that’s a sad concept..ironic)? It’s hard to tell when any state where I can get out of bed with a decent amount of ease is a freakin’ fabulous day. I am having one warning sign though, that is concerning. Even with Ambien I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. I’ll mention it to my therapist tomorrow, but I’m not going to let them reach for the meds quite yet. I want to be sure about this whole bipolar thing. I’m just hoping that this experiment doesn’t lead to another stint in the hospital.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and he started me back on Effexor XR. Having endured the all the horrible withdrawl symptoms for nothing is annoying, but I think the med does really work for me. I’m really tired of feeling horrible all the time, so I’m hopeful things will be better soon. You can always tell when my mood hasn’t been so hot. My blog gets very spotty, and I hate that b/c I love blogging. It’s probably very psychosomatic, but I do feel a little better already, and it’s only been a couple days.

I can honestly say that the last couple of weeks have felt like some of the worst of my life. It’s been hard alone dealing with losing my job, but to add insult to injury I’ve been suffering from really bad flu like symptoms from anti-depressant withdrawal. I never thought it could feel this horrible.

I really want to figure out the next step of my life right now, but I’m told that I need to just focus on getting better. That’s what my therapist says anyway. I’m not sure I’m ok doing nothing with next year of my life though, other than DBT and therapy.

I was hanging out at a friends today, and it occured to me that if something happened to me, people would pretty much think it was suicide..whatever happened. I’m not sure what to make of that.

Medication Madness

It’s catchup time, since I skipped a ton on my previous entries. More of my neverending drama to report. My recently changed medications had been causing some very heavy side effects. I didn’t want to take that medication to begin with, but he was the second doctor that wanted me to try Seroquel. He gave it to me primarily for sleep, but he was also hoping that it could replace/reduce my other meds, since it’s used to treat anxiety disorders, PTSD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and so on. It’s classified as a atypical antipsychotic. That’s probably the biggest reason I held out b/c I never get psychotic, and I’m just worried that people would think I’m really nuts. People already know I am, but still.

It does work for sleep really well, but I was doped out of my mind, so a couple weeks ago I went into Regions Hospital in St. Paul. I was thinking and talking in slow motion, and my mom said that my eyes were really dilated. The doctor in the ER acted like he didn’t want to admit me b/c medication management could be done with my regular psychiatrist. I’ve been having a slightly more frequent suicidal thoughts, and I wasn’t going to risk doing something impulsive, since I have never felt that doped in my life. Who knows what you may do impulsively that doped up. So they admitted me.

Regions Hospital

I spent an entire day in a seperate part of the ER for psych patients. Really boring. There were 12 beds there, which were all full b/c there weren’t any beds in the psych ward. I was so bored. I was only admitted to Regions a couple days (January 8-10). I really liked my doctor there, but I decided to leave earlier than I was thinking. I guess that hospital is outside of my insurance network, so they will only pay 70% verses 90% for hospitals in network. The doctor did lower my dosage of the Seroquel from 100mg to 50mg while I was there though.

I tried to go back to work the following Monday (01/14), but that was a huge mistake. I was like a zombie all day, and sort of off in la-la-land. I wasn’t performing anywhere near par. Getting appointments with psychiatrist in near future is a task next to impossible. My next appointment wasn’t setup until the last Friday (1/25), which was too long. It’s seems it’s always like at least a month wait. I needed to get my meds balanced so I can get back to work, and I don’t think people realize how hard that can be to deal with. It’s over whelming, and scary at times. I have wanted to just stop my meds all together and clear my head for once, but I can’t thanks to a court order. Grrr!

University of Minnesota Medical Center, Fairview – Riverside

Other than that disastrous Monday, I wasn’t back at work yet, and the lower dosage of the Seroquel didn’t make much difference. I could think and talk a little faster, but there was still something wrong. I caught myself thoroughly researching my meds online, and that can be a huge red flag, which it was. It’s something I do at times to work on a suicide plan. I decided that the warning sign warranted going back to the hospital (Fairview Riverside this time);
especially since I hadn’t been feeling anything like myself. I felt so helpless and hopeless, and cut the night before for the first time since August. The first time I met with my doctor there she asked me what I thought they could do for me there. I said probably nothing since nobody else has been able to, and she ended up taking that as a personal challenge. She was really cool, and one of my favorite doctors…and I’ve seen a few.

I told the doctor about my experience with Seroquel, and she convinced me to try another neuroleptic. I was so against them, but it’s like these doctors are experts in sales too…seriously. I started Abilify. It’s ok, other than it makes me anxious or restless. It’’s hard to explain the tension. She prescribed another med (Cogentin) for the side-effects. Annoying. I’m still reserving judgement on this new med.

I made a couple friends while I was in there; Shannon had a nasal feeding tube when I got there; they threatened to do that one time to me b/c I was on a hunger strike, and I don’t weight much. I lost almost 20 lbs in a week, I’m 5’ 11” and I’m usually around 145 to 150 lbs.

I’m sure there are about a bazillion more things I could add, but maybe later…