stay in love

M had minor surgery for skin cancer this week. That was scary, but I’m relieved he got it removed while it was small.

It’s made me think about the being-there-for-one-another, taking-care-of-one-another part of a relationship. I was raised to be very independent – it’s not always been easy to let someone take care of me. I don’t want to be coddled or condescended to.

I guess now, though, I’m old enough to see the difference between that and genuine caring. When I have achy shoulders after work I don’t feel bad about asking M to rub them out. And it felt great to be able to spend time with him after his surgery, talking to him to distract him, watching a movie together, and making some liquidy food he could actually eat. I know he would be right there for me too – he’s good when I’ve injured myself somehow.

And what bedside manner! :-)

With everything feeling so good and so solid with the two of us, I’m thinking back to the origins of this goal. It arose out of a self-judgment carried around – that I was fickle in love. I’ve usually been the breaker-upper, the skeptical one, the one wondering if I should stay or go. After losing interest so many times, I started to worry that I just wasn’t ever going to be able to stay interested in one man long enough to commit and make a life together. I set this goal to remind myself that I had to work at making my new relationship last. Not that I hadn’t worked at it in the past: hell, in my previous relationship, we started couples counseling after being together for just five months.

Now, though, I’m in a relationship that keeps getting better and better, and it doesn’t feel like work either. OK, it’s only been ten months. Still, I’m incredibly relieved that I’m not getting itchy feet or running up big bills at the couples counselor. Part of this is that I’ve changed – I’m 38, I’m ready to settle down and have a kid before I get too old, and I’m no longer naive enough to think that my mate has to be Mr. Perfect. But the more important part is that M is lots, lots better for me than any of my past loves. And he seems to feel the same way about me!

With this, I’m realizing that my past self-blame was misplaced. I’m not a flake with a short attention span in relationships. I just hadn’t met the right guy yet.

I know there’ll be times when this relationship takes work. But we’re laying a solid foundation now which gives me confidence we’ll be able to resolve future issues. I’ll hang on to this goal—however, I’m officially letting go of the self-judgment that was the original instigation for it.

We’ve had our first few fights: miscommunications that exploded badly – yet we were able to talk them out, and get to know one another better through doing so. A couple more trips have brought us closer together, most of all to Burning Man: my eighth year there, his first, and it was fabulous to be there together and for me to see it through his virgin eyes.

He proposed to me not long after the man burned, surrounded by the carnival of art cars and costumed celebrants, the smell of burning propane, the world spinning around us. Not with a ring but seriously this time. I haven’t given him an answer, yet. But I know it’ll be a YES, and I’ll probably tell him next week on his birthday. I’m getting my head around it: I’m scared, but excited. Is this happening too fast? Do we know one another well enough? It’s been less than eight months since we met!

Last week we went on our first real trip, our first plane ride together. I introduced him to eight members of my family that he hadn’t met before (!)...and we’re closer than ever. Not that it wasn’t challenging at times. I don’t recommend an all-day drive after taking an all-night flight, for instance! But we weathered the grumpy mood that resulted & we each learned about how the other deals with adversity. We loved a lot of the same about the trip: lazy afternoons lying by a quiet lake, the late night talks with my brother in law, smiles from my baby nephew and niece, gaping at buildings in manhattan, the ny public library and the serra sculptures at moma.

we live a couple hours apart so this trip was the first time we’d spent a week together continuously, and we didn’t get tired of each other (although it’s true that in the libido department, the flame burned a little lower than it usually does….something to watch out for, and tend to, if we do move in together).

I can’t believe how easy this relationship feels compared to some in my past…how we just never really argue, for instance. We both often remark on how in sync we seem to be. I’m not giddy-in-love, infatuated, drunk on it – it just feels really solid and good.

I’ve been in relationships before that were wonderful, or seemed so for a time. Yet there was always a part of myself that I held back, not completely committing, even when my then-boyfriend moved thousands of miles to be with me, or we’d moved in together, or we bought a place together.

After a time all of those past relationships soured, usually because I fell out of love. Now, being with my boyfriend I feel more confident than ever that he’s the one I’ll stay with. But I want to remind myself how much that’s my choice – to choose to commit, to open myself to him, to put him first and compromise when that’s called for. I’m 38 and a half, and I feel very lucky that I’ve finally found someone who is smart and interesting and funny and sincere and ironic and adventurous and secure in himself and creative and considerate – and who adores me and wants to be with me. Though we’ve only been together six months, we’ve been talking about moving in together, getting married, starting a family. Maybe we’ll really pull it off!