calm down

my two closest friends were talking about how jealous they are of me. They say I always seem so calm, so comfortable in any situation…that I never seem overly worried about anything.

Don’t know where they got that idea.

I’m not sure if this is really what’s doing it, but I have been taking acv with every meal for about 2 weeks, and I feel amazing.

I’m more focused, have more energy, not argumentative, not confused…overall I’m happier and calmer…

Not having a single freak out session in weeks…that’s a miracle.

it’s ok

We were spending the day walking around downtown, trying not to spend any money (and failing).

He wanted a new sketchbook. We went to a craft supply store.

I was behind him, pushing him along with my head and he stopped and looked at me and told me I “deserve better than this”...whatever that meant…and i said “no, i deserve exactly this” and we continued on our happy way…

suddenly he stopped, said “shit”, shoved the sketchbook at me, told me to buy it for him, and ran as fast as he could to the back of the store.

I was confused for a moment, until I looked up at the cashier. It was HER, the famous heartbreaker, the former love of his life.

Ewww.

I expected to punch her in the nose or at least say something nasty to her (not that she deserved it, purely out of jealousy)...but the most I did was let the book fall a little harder than necessary on the counter and glare at her.

He realized soon enough that the only way out is through the front. I almost laughed seeing him try to slink by unnoticed…he’s not very slinky. She noticed. He looked frightened, so did she.

I was upset for about 10 minutes. Mostly just confused. If he is over her then why did seeing her have such a big effect on him? He says it’s because it made him think of losing me. I want to believe him, but i’m pretty sure it’s got more to do with her and less to do with me.

But I’m not going to worry about it.

She’s way too short for him anyway.

...if you’re not ok, then it’s not over yet.

I’m fallin apart here.

But people have complimented me on my slimmer shape (not much of an appetite) and dark circles under the eyes become me (if i do my makeup right)

As long as I keep smiling and laughing, they are none the wiser.

watch a pot boil.

Make a pot of tea every morning and stare at the water…watch every single little bubble and don’t turn it off until they turn violent.

It just makes you and everybody around you stressed and miserable.

I like to make some drama for myself when I’m bored with my situation…i don’t do it consciously, but when it’s over i know that’s the real reason i was unhappy. Just boredom and some stretching of my emotions.

That was fine n dandy when nobody else suffered from it. Alone in your room, it’s alright to scribble in a journal and be overly teenagerish.

But now I am in a relationship, and it’s not fair to him to indulge in my little world of make believe hardships.

It all comes down to self pity and a lack of self confidence.

And I’m getting too old for all that nonsense.

I tend to be quite jealous at times. This is one of those times.

I don’t even know if what I think is going on is really going on…it is most likely NOT going on. But there is a very very very small chance that it IS going on. So I am NOT VERY CALM.

It’s not a good quality. It doesn’t show very often, but when it does, I usually end up making an ass of myself in an attempt to make other people feel worse about themselves so that maybe I can feel better about myself…you all know how that goes…it doesn’t usually go very well.

The only thing I can think of is to breathe, keep busy, and keep my mouth shut until I know exactly what is going on. Pretend that I am calm until I actually am.

And while I plan to be a VERY wrinkly and gray old woman, I don’t think it should start until I’m at least 20 years old.