be a better girlfriend

I have gotten a lot better at communicating and being receptive to the needs of others rather than taking out my anger or insecurities.

So now I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. I remain, as ever, cautiously optimistic. There are still so many things I want us to do together, and so many ways in which I think we still can or do fit. So we’ll see.

Things I want from him:
less drama
more self-awareness
acceptance of responsibility/agency
honesty
maturity

I think that talking to both his friends and mine has really helped me in thinking about everything. As always, it is an ongoing process, but I think I have done pretty much all I can do on my own right now.

It just doesn’t seem meant to be, right now. I wonder if that’ll ever change? I’d like to think so but I don’t know.

Talking to lots of people and reading old e-mails and thinking about things has led me to conclude that I need to be less invested in us as a couple right now.

I want us to be good for each other and to make one another happy but dwelling on the past and making myself ill with insecurity doesn’t seem to be the way. And obviously this isn’t completely avoidable, but perhaps with lowered (or just different) expectations this feeling will be less acute. Of course this hasn’t been the only thing perpetuating our problems for the past month or so but it seems to be one of the major components that I would like to work to eliminate.

Maybe it was a mistake for me to think that we could ever be like we were. Maybe this spring should be like us starting over (even if that means us being just friends). I hope that won’t be the case though, I just want us to get back to my ideal of what a good relationship should be like – that is to say, best friends + sex. There’s less room for insecurity there.

Stop acting like a crazy person.
Appreciate what I have and work on what I do not.
Be considerate, thoughtful, affectionate.
Be self-aware and realize when I need space.
Communicate more.

But most importantly, yeah, stop acting fucking nuts. I only do it because I feel frustrated but I need to recognize that there is no reason for me to, not if stability is what we’re working towards. It’s just stress but at the same time I do not like the idea of being too emotionally needy.

I miss feeling like we are just right for each other, but the reason that I keep doing this is because when we have good days, I feel like that again. And I wish we could have good days all the time, but I guess that’s something I (we) can work on.

I’ve been thinking and writing a lot about everything. Today I sent an e-mail I think needed to be sent. So we’ll see how it all goes.

Ten month anniversary gift a success!