live now rather than always looking forward

I don’t know quite how to describe it, but I think I’ve hit (and reasonably maintained) a healthy balance of “now-ness” and planning for the future. I don’t believe in abandoning all thoughts of the future, and I don’t want to be so focussed on my own “now” that I miss everybody else’s. I know that I’m still growing and learning but, as I said, I think I’m in a good place to go from. So, I’m pleased, and I’m done! Hurrah!

OK, today is January 5th. My 1st 29th birthday is in exactly four months. Unless something earth shattering happens to remove this from my list before then, if I am at least as satisfied with my progress on this goal as I am today (and have been recently) I will consider it accomplished and will mark it done.

Four months is probably good. It gives a little more time for ‘reality’ to kick in. I know I will be steadily busy, including with employment of some sort, plus a ba-zillion other things. So if I can say still say this on May 5th, 2007, we’re done! Well, it might not be until the 7th or whenever I think about it next, but it will be around then. :) Early May’s a busy time for my family!

Apart from pertinent updates, we’ll see this goal in 4 months!

Well, to be fair to my personal makeup, I am a ‘planner’. I like to think out what’s next and the different paths to consider taking next, etc. I think there is a strength to be found (and capitalised on?) in this trait. The reason I adopted this goal in the first place was to curb the negative side of this ‘planning’ trait, which I have outlined in previous entries. Quickly, these things include not truly enjoying or taking in what I’m currently involved with due to a tendency to move on to the next thing in my head already.

Anyway, the point today is that I’m actually enjoying what I’m involved with, while still planning what’s to come… how to plan for and complete existing projects, how to secure the right kind of work for me, etc. But over all it’s going well. Suddenly I find that I am appreciating a lot of things a whole lot more… that must all be part of it, eh? :)

I just re-read my entry from (choke) 30 weeks ago! And I’m kind of impressed by my own words and thoughts. (Of course I have the advantage of understanding the “cryptic” part…)

In spite of everything, this goal might be getting easier. I’m not quite sure when to consider it completed… but I do know that it isn’t yet! I beginning to get much better at doing what is before me right now, and am trying to learn to pace myself in a more healthful way.

But I do catch myself running ahead A LOT ... there’s gotta be a balance point, where we can all make our plans and be wise in our intentions, but not be so wrapped up in them that they completely consume us and keep us from being useful or enjoying where we are currently at! I guess that’s likely my biggest weakness in this area: running so far ahead with my thoughts and my plans and my dreams that I totally miss what’s going on now.

The real test will be the fall… start up of activities at church, being back at school some days, hoping for employment somewhere, my sister’s family and a new addition arriving, getting caught up in a flurry of busy-ness, trying to finish off a few personal projects, etc.

So much stuff… will I choose to really enjoy it while I’m doing/living/experiencing it? Or will I rush ahead hoping to get things over with so I can get on to the next thing—which I probably won’t stop to enjoy either? Hmmmm.

I don’t know if this concept is more difficult when one is busy and working madly at some thing or another, or when one is stuck in a holding pattern wishing for things that (for whatever reason) that cannot be at the time.

It’s so easy to look back and long for something that currently cannot be. And likewise to look forward and hope for better days. But I’m learning that ignoring what I’m currently capable of accomplishing right now, denying my usefulness even if it seems greatly reduced to my former days, is detrimental to every aspect of my being!

So this goal is more important than ever! If I can’t live today making the most of this moment right now, when I have to choose so carefully what I put my energies into, then what makes me think that I really can do any better or differently when things are “as I would like”.

I guess this is maybe all cryptic to anyone who reads this, but hopefully there is some whiff of what I am learning here.

Here’s to accepting “now” and choosing to live wholly within it!