be different

Today, I am really feeling this goal.

I feel like I’m caught up in the monotony that I call my life. I’m tired. No, I mean really tired. I’ve been going along the same little path for so long, I’m beginning to question whether or not I should be on this path. Am I supposed to be doing something different? If you are on the right path, is it supposed to feel like crap?

Questions, questions, questions with no answers. I understand that life will not be great all the time, but I cannot help but wonder what am I doing and where am I supposed to be?

I want to be different. Travel. Sing. Forget about pleasing people. Love myself. Not be afraid. Love someone else outside of my immediate family. Step outside of this sucking black hole. Love God without reservations. Forget about what they say. Think about what He says. Forget about mean comments. Think about beautiful compliments. Ignore the ignorant. Love the idiotic. Shed the stress. Embrace the truth. Love, love, love, love…

I’m up late, but I’m thinking about the important stuff.

I want to be different, but how? Just what God wants me to be and unafraid to live, unafraid to love me, unafraid to take care of me—to just be different.

So many people are wanting to be married and getting married around me. (we are at that age) I wouldn’t be human if it wasn’t effecting me, but what if that never happened for me? I want to be unafraid to be alone but to live anyway regardless of if I have a husband or not. Maybe it is more important to me right now to be different by being okay with my single status. By the way, it’s not a disease! But all of those stupid commercials that make you think that love is a click away almost announces that singleness is something to get rid of. I know I want someone, but I don’t want to be afraid to be alone or even trade my current happy but complicated state with a more complicated and depressing one. I just want to be different. I will not settle!

So tonight after these thoughts and two double shot lattes, I figure I’ll pray to God that He makes me different and help me to cope with whatever is in my future and these very present thoughts.

How many me’s can there be? There can only be one me. Just like my username: Only 1 Olivia. I want to be different than every other girl my age. I find that mostly everyone around me is in this same mode and I want to break out of it. What’s so wrong with that? But I have found that I don’t have to try so hard to be different because I already am. I do wanna be more funny and outgoing. I wanna lose this God-forsaken weight! I wanna play my guitar so well that I can do it in front of people. I wanna walk down the street and people notice me. I wanna live like God wants me to live. I wanna be loved just for me. The different me that I am. Is that so much to ask?