love life again

[would you like to dance around the world with me?]

..it’s been one year today that my sister’s been gone. I can’t believe it’s already been a year. I hardly have a grasp on the fact that she’s really gone. But.. yeah.

Miss you Kim. Love you.

So, this is probably because I was thinking about her so much yesterday, but last night was the first time I’d dreamt about my sister since she passed.

I was at my parents’ old house, doing my makeup in their master bathroom and when I came out, Kim was on the computer that they used to have in their room. I stopped at looked at her, surprised, and she just looked over and smiled at me. She didn’t say anything, she just smiled. I immediately walked over and hugged her and started crying. She hugged me back. I stepped back and just looked at her, looking for some sign of her accident, but she just looked… normal. Right then I wanted to ask, “How are you here? Didn’t you die?” but the words wouldn’t come out.

The dream went a little weird(er) after that, but it made me smile, so I’m sharing the weirdness with you.

Anyway, my mom (who has also passed, but I see in my dreams pretty regularly) had come in and said the we had to hurry up and get to the highschool because my brother was supposed to be singing for the Winter Formal (which is weird because NOBODY in my family, aside from maybe my grandma, is musically inclined or can sing worth a damn)... so we all climb into the car (the WHOLE family was there, grandparents, people from Iowa, etc), but I remember specifically sticking by Kim the whole day, scared that she would disappear if she got away or something.

We went to their little bar area and Kim got a drink.. I don’t remember us saying much to each other, but finally, on the way back to our table I just turned to her and said, “Kim—don’t take this the wrong way, but… didn’t you die? Didn’t Mom die? How are you all here?” She just smiled the “smart ass” way she did and said, “Who cares? We’re here.” I started to tear up again and her smile turned sympathetic, so she hugged me and said, “I’ll explain it to you later. Let’s go watch Brad.”

And off we went.

My brother sang, “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and our whole family cheered like crazy even though it was terrible and we joked about whether or not he had to even audition for this gig—and with one more glance around the tables full of my family members, both present and passed, I woke up.

Obviously I got my explanation then. And even though I cried because I miss her, my mom, grandpa and grandma—and the days when the WHOLE family got together for any little thing.. I was happier more than anything. Because I hugged my sister one more time. It felt so real. I swear I could feel her tiny, skinny body when I hugged her. I got to see how wonderful she looked at least one more time.

I had been so sad that I hadn’t seen her in any of my dreams this past year.. because really, I think about her constantly. I’ve had dreams about my wedding where my mother is there, my grandpa, and grandma, but I’d specifically look around for Kim and she wouldn’t be there.

Anyway.. I hope this doesn’t sound like a pathetic attempt to get sympathy, because that’s not why I’m sharing at all. I’m genuinely happy I had this dream. Personally, I like to think that when I dream about someone who’s gone, or even people I don’t see anymore, that it’s their little way of saying hello.

So, even though I’m crying right now, I’m happy. I’m happy I got to see everyone come together, because that’s not something I’ll ever get to see again. I’m happy I got to hug Kim and see her smile and hear her voice. I got to hear my grandpa laugh, my mom laugh and feel the love of my entire family being together.

Anyway, I know it’s weird to share things like this, but after sharing what I did yesterday and dreaming about this last night—I felt like I needed to.

My sister, grandma and cousins on her birthday last year. She would’ve been 33 today.

What makes it so hard to believe that she’s gone is that she was so strong. She was fearless. Seemingly invincible.

I live in such a different way than she did and I’m starting to feel that the way I’m living is wrong. :/ I miss her a lot and I’m starting to forget things.

I don’t want to forget anything. Because my memories is the only place she exists now.

Since it happened, I can’t sleep. At times I can hardly breathe. I randomly start screaming and crying.

Since it happened, I have said it outloud so many times to so many people, but it doesn’t sound anymore real—it doesn’t feel anymore real. I just saw her 6 days ago on Easter. We were laughing and talking about my wedding and books she wanted me to read and… I just.. can’t believe this.

When my father and I went to the funeral home and were looking at all the paperwork with her name on it.. it was just… it’s unreal. It feels like a nightmare. It is a nightmare.

On Thursday night, April 12th, my older sister was on her way home from Walgreens when she got into an accident on her scooter. She was hit by an SUV and didn’t make it.

It’s been in the news. I looked it up and watched a little bit of it, but I’m finding that I just… can’t. To see images of the scooter she bought and was so proud of and loved so much all mangled and broken is too hard to look at. And.. While people are entitled to their opinions and feelings.. It really is unbelievable and infuriating to read what some people will comment on these sorts of things.

But, that’s really not important, I suppose. But it really does hurt.

Gosh, I just keep thinking how many times I’ve run to the store real quick to get something.. you don’t ever expect to not make it back. I don’t. I just… hurt. Everywhere. Everything is suddenly unimportant and I would give anything to hug her right now. The articles all say she passed in the hospital, but she didn’t. The coroner told my grandmother that my sister was gone by the time the ambulance arrived.

When my dad called me that night and told me what happened.. I was just.. screaming at the tops of my lungs. Because there was just NO way. These sort of things happen, but not to my sister. Not to anyone I know. I had JUST been talking about her earlier that day to a coworker of mine about how lucky she’s always been in life. And of course I feel horrendous knowing I’ve said that now. I mean.. I knew the call wasn’t going to bear good news when I saw my dad calling that late at night—but I had no idea that the news would be anything like this.

I never imagined that Easter Sunday would be the last time I would ever see my older sister again. I mean, she was in walking distance from my Grandmother’s house in Orange County when she got hit.

All these random, stupid things keep flashing into my head and infuriating me. Like, if only I’d have put a fucking memory stick in my camera when I went down for Easter, I could’ve had one more picture of her—with her. And how on Easter, she wanted to get out of the house and go bridesmaid dress shopping with me on the fly and I told her no, because it was Easter and we could always just go later.

I just… I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know if I should be alone, with family, with friends—nothing feels better. Nothing helps. I feel insignificant and helpless and.. guilty and sad.

When I first heard the news, the only thing my dad knew (and told me) was that the man who hit her initially stopped, but later left the scene of the accident (before the police or ambulance arrived). I was infuriated and pained with the thought that my sister was left lying there in the street with no help and no one.

But luckily, when I got to my grandmother’s house the next morning, my Aunt told me that a woman who had seen her in Walgreens was headed the same direction as her and stopped when she saw the accident happen. The woman held her hand and rubbed her back, staying with her until the ambulance came. And.. I am so thankful for that woman. More than anything else in this entire world right now, I am thankful that woman had the decency to stop and be there with her to comfort her in her last few moments so she didn’t have to go alone.

Fiance has been amazing and he keeps trying to comfort and calm me into getting some sleep, but.. I can’t. I try but I lay there as my mind goes back and forth between pictures her face laughing beside me and her mangled orange scooter. I have these fits all day (and night) where I just burst into inconsolable crying. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Obviously it just happened, so I wouldn’t, but.. I can’t think that I’m never going to have her over at my apartment again, sitting on my balcony, chatting and having a beer together. I can’t imagine that I’m never going to get another random call about some random something that crossed her mind. I can’t imagine just.. never hearing her say, “Hello sistar~” in that weird voice she’d do.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m even writing anymore. She had that scooter for less than two months. I mean. I just.. I can’t believe it. And I’ll never understand why these things happen. Ever.

Anyway, I love you Kim. You will always be my big (little) sister. I’m so sorry you had to leave the way you did. Thank you for loving people the way you did. Thank you for loving me.