the last thing he said to me was “i love you, i’m in love with you, i’ve been in love with you. close your eyes and imagine me standing in front of you. i kiss you softly and brush your cheek with my hand. now open your eyes”. that was it. i think he may be involved with someone else which makes it easier to let go. you know the whole 80/20 rule. i’m the 80 and i know it, and he also knows it, but i’m a lot of hard work so i guess he’ll settle for the 20. if i had been married to this guy i think the outcome would have been different. i would definitely be in jail. today i pretty much lost it. i just cried really hard cus i feel like i just wasted over 4 years of my life. i hate that feeling like i missed out on so much because i was shackled with feelings for one person. ugh! i feel a little better, but of course it takes time. lately i have been spending a lot of time on me. i’ve been really happy and got distracted with doing things for myself but then i realized that something was missing…him. and now he’s gone. i guess i can mark this thing as done…
oohhjamila has written 4 entries about this goal
well this off again on again circus is ever revolving. we have now been together over 4 years. we get along much better now, but other things haven’t changed much. i want to cry at this very moment but i won’t allow myself to. too many tears have been shed over this disastrous relationship if you can even call it that. i can’t write this right now. to be continued…maybe
well me and pren have broken up. i wish i could say for good, but a part of me wants to take him back if he ever changes. i seriously doubt he will though. i don’t know if i believe that once a relationship crosses certain lines, it can be saved. it’s to the point that i am completely annoyed by him. he is a pathological liar, and it’s exhausting keeping him in check. i finally got fed up and told him he could never have me back. he cried, and called over and over again for like 2 days straight. then he stopped for a day, and started up again. i finally answered one of his calls. he was on his best behavior of course, but i can see right though him. i answered because i felt bad for him. i am his sanity…according to him and my father. he called today while i was going to walmart with my dad…i put him on speaker. my father asked when he was coming to visit again, and pren said “your daughter is going to stab me if i come, she’s crazy”. my dad said “well she just might stab you if you keep callin’ her crazy” lol. pren is convienent to talk to i guess. now i feel like i’m just killing time until a worthy candidate comes along.
i have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 yrs now. it’s really tough, but neither of us are prepared to move for the other. his reasons are work…he owns a business with his brother, and my reasons are trust. i don’t trust him enough to live with him yet. he’s different when he’s at home, than when he is here with me. which is retarded, because i’m always the same. actually i’m nicer to him when he’s around. but over the phone, i get so frustrated, because he tries to act all tough.
are you asking yet why i’m with him? lol. we ‘get’ eachother. and we have this crazy deep love and understanding. oh and no one else would put up with either of us, lol. he’s a pathelogical liar and sex addict, and i’m a bi-polar stalker and pessimist. we have both cheated, but always seem to find ourselves back together. he has a bad problem with lying so i won’t get mad about whatever the truth is. And i have a bad problem checking all of his stuff…voicemail, email, phonecalls, etc. ok question…Is a liar, Always a liar? and is a paranoid person always paranoid?
it’s weird, because when we fight, i tell him to just get out of my life. but he won’t. or can’t. it’s like he needs me. which sucks, cus sometimes i really wish he was gone, at least for a little while. the longest we’ve gone without talking was like a day and a half. sometimes he tells me to get out of his life too. so i stop calling and texting…then here he comes. saying “i was just pissed at you hunnie you know you’re my wife and you ain’t never gettin’ rid of me”...
most people say we’re ‘made for eachother’, which is hilarious. i think that’s true, but i hate the bad times. his doctor prescribed him zoloft…and i would be committed if i ever went to see a doctor. that’s sad ain’t it? gosh. and another thing, we haven’t seen eachother in over a year because of all the fighting. that’s the hardest. i think i want to go see him before i move to Seattle next month. it’ll be like a cleansing or something.
we’re doing good this week,...so far. we’ll see what happens… ~J
