Overcome my eating disorder.

This morning I had a very strange moment. I was getting dressed and caught sight of myself in the mirror (I don’t ever go and ‘look’ but I happened to catch my reflection from neck to knees) and I didn’t hate what I saw. Just for a moment I thought, that’s ok. It looks ok. Pretty amazing as I had just pulled on a pair of newly washed jeans, which I normally hate because they are not so soggy.

Anyway, it didn’t last, but I think it really was important, and felt important at the time.

I had a workshop day at college today. Today was jewellery making. By lunchtime I was totally stressed out because I couldn’t get any clear idea of what I was doing, and I had convinced myself I was rubbish and a failure and blah blah blah.

Lunchtime was difficuly because they didn’t have my ‘safe’ option, so I tried to be brave and have something different with safe ingredients. It wasn’t wholely successful, I felt terrible and worried and afterwards I did start to make myself sick. But after about a minute, I just thought ‘what am I doing?’ and stopped. I went back to class and distractled myself from the thoughts and feelings, and it passed.

This afternoon the piece I was working on came together, and whilst I’m not delighted with what I made, I know it held together as a piece, and I got some good feedback from the tutor.

So another day done. Not perfect, but done (almost, I have another 4 hours or so and another meal to go).

I had been dreading my dietician appointment on Wednesday. I feel like I constantly let Louise (the dietician) and myself down. I know the road to be travelled is not straight, but sometimes there seeem so many twists and turns that all sense of direction gets lost. I’ve been totally lost this last month and was dreading confessing how badly I have been doing.

As always, she was fantastic. She never leaves me feeling judged, just supported. She said that it was not surprising that I have struggled following my friends death, and that she knows I have it in me to get back on track. She said she is not upset, or going anywhere, but will continue to offer suggestions and ideas for me to work with.

We agreed that I need to get back to my meal plan, at the most basic level, and that I should be really sticking to it tightly right now. She wants me to go back to filling in my record sheets. She was really clear that this needed to start straight away and caefully went over how it will work for me the next day.

I know she is right, I know she is right, but even though this is a stage I have worked on a number of times, I can feel anxiety and panic creaping in. I’m not sure what the anxiety is. I guess its the bit of me that still worries about what it will mean to stick to the plan. Will it mean weight gain? Will it mean getting better? These are things I have rationalised and logically know I should be ok with, but clearly on an emotional level I am not comfortable with yet. I am remembering though all the stuff from therapy about not needing to wait to be sure I am ready, (which may never come) but to do the valued action (follow the plan) and bring the feelings with me. This is the way forward. I must remember that.

I do want to do this. I cannot go on feeling as unwell as I have this last week. I do not want my eating to impact upon the life I am trying to build. I want to move on. I want to get well.

So do it I will. And try to cope with the fear of another fall. I have managed for 2 days, though it is raking a huge amount of effort and energy.

Why do I want to cry so badly?

I am coming to accept that I now have a different ed than the one I was first diagnosed with. I know it’s a common progression, but I hate it!

...whether I will ever be free of the clutches of my eating disorder.

I cannot imagine how I will make that internal shift to accept food as a substance required for survival, and pleasure, rather than a substance to be used or not used in order to manipulate my feelings.

I know enough about it in theory now. But the theory doesn’t seem to impact on the reality.

I’m tired of it.

I saw my dietician today, I had been dreading it after doing really badly with my intake of late, but she was great.

She reminded me of many things that I forget, and I came away feeling calmer and less judgemental about my behaviour.

I have been binging and purging of late, and feeling really bad for being so ‘out of control’ and weak, but she said that aside from the emotional impact of my life changes lately, I must remember what my body has been through. She said that although my weight is up to an acceptable level now, that I must remember that it was starved very badly for a long time and that there will continue to be consequences from that. She said that my body is still suffering from a degree of malnutritian even though I am now fat (ok, she didn’t say fat!) and that is why it drives me to eat. She said that I am still short of some nutrients especially fat, and that my body still cannot be sure that I will feed it regularly. That is why when I eat something it flicks my brain into asking for more food.

I have agreed to try and eat a mid-afternoon snack. It feels ‘bad’, agreeing to eat unnecessary food, but I know she is right that it may help prevent the cravings and the binging, and that my metabolism will be better for it. Its hard though, because even after hearing all of the above it still feels indulgant. She also said it is important to eat it even though I may not be hungry, that it is important to get over the guilt of eating and accept that it is ok to eat something because it tastes nice, not because I am desperate for food.

A lot of tough stuff, but somehow it has helped. I know I will still struggle with it every day, and at every meal, but if I am going to get healthy I have to try.

(Yet still I want to accomplish all of the above and lose a little weight! Argh!!)

I wonder whether I mean this. Surely if I wanted it badly enough I would be able to beat it?!

I am starting a new phase of my life, beginning to pursue new goals for the first time since being flattened by crippling depression and an eating disorder. I want to be well enough to pursue my new dreams, and I want the time and head space to work to the best of my ability. That’s hard when so the ED takes up much energy and time. Logically I know I want to overcome it, leave it behind. But the pull is so hard, and I know that right now I want to change the numbers on the scale really badly.