say goodbye

...like I said goodbye.

I think I was too preoccupied with not getting too upset.

A lot of the service was just as Tony would have wanted, but I am left with a feeling of unease, that his family and friends didn’t know of the work Tony had done this year. Yes, things were still difficult, but he had made huge progress, and so much had changed for him. I felt like that wasn’t recognised, but then I guess the truth is that they couldn’t have known.

It made me sad.

I am dreading the funeral tomorrow. I find it difficult to think about saying my goodbyes, and witnessing others grief as they say theirs. I know I will be judging myself and worrying about what others think; do they think my feelings are wrong, do they judge my relationship? I know none of this matters, that what matters is the truth of my feelings and dealing with that, I’m just recognising how difficult this goodbye is going to be.

Tony,
You made such a difference to my life, and I cannot believe you have gone. I wanted you to always be around.

You were my ‘gentle giant’. You taught me so much. When we met, I didn’t imagine we would connect in the way we did. But it was impossible not to connnect with someone so kind and thoughtful. You showed me how much change is possible. You taught me about honesty and kindness.

I always felt safe with you. So very safe. I knew you would never let anyone hurt me and that you would always protect me. You did so many times. You knew when I was hurting, and I could see the pain that caused you as you strived to make my world ok.

You lived a life so far removed from mine. You were moulded into someone by your experiences. Yet underneath that man, your heart was waiting for a time to be free. I believe you had found that space and time. You were starting to see that you could be vulnerable, and open, and that people would still see you as a man.

You truly had one of the kindest hearts I have ever met. No matter what you did in the dark days of your past, I know that the truth inside you was that you were the kindest, most gentle soul I have ever met.

I think you know how important you were to me. I wish I could tell you again, so clearly, that I adored you.

The world is a worse place without you. It is a loss for so many, your family, your children, your friends, and all those whose life you didn’t get the chance to touch.

I miss you. It hurts.
Goodbye (one of our special ‘big’ hugs)

I went right up to the last group and said my goodbyes. I was told I was removed from my emotions, but hey, I survived.

I don’t know how I feel now. I think I probably haven’t processed the losses and the reality of separation from those who have mattered and supported me for 2 and a half years.

I guess I will in time.

And I feel ready to go into total denial.

Not within myself, just I don’t want to discuss it with anyone. I’m scared of what might emerge within me…

I am leaving treatment on Friday, having been in full time therapy for two and a half years for depression and an eating disorder. I feel ready and am comfortable with leaving.

However, the underlying problems are still evident and are manifesting now in the desire to just walk away without saying goodbyes. I feel a pull to diminish my role in the unit, and the importance for others of my leaving. I want to remain disconnected from any feelings of loss that may be involved, and just stop going rather than ‘leave’.

Its really, really difficult.

I know that in terms of continuing my recovery and development I should allow myself to matter, allow myself to exist for others and accept that attachments have been made. I should go through ‘goodbyes’ and admit my discomfort and allow others to help me with that.

Talk about a massive last minute bit of therapy (rolls her eyes)

I am going to struggle to work through this this week.